INFERNO?I am in hell!I am part of hell!
I thought indifference was the way to go.I thought with this, I could contently go on with my life.But as I was reading on INFERNO, and travelled along withDante down to the circles of hell, I realized one thing.I am part of that hell. I committed sins that are punished there.Just outside hell, before hell, the indifferent and the uncommittedare punished by forever chasing after blank banners. They are chasingthese blank banners for no reason, and for no purpose. They are chasinga banner that doesn't even contain anything. You may think, whychase something that is basically useless? It is because in the lifeof these sinners, they chased nothing. They didn't put their heart intosomething. They were DETACHED* from tehir own desires. Their desireto not be connected to the world and to other people, or to arelationship,this led them into doing the very same thing in hell. Theydidn't believe in anything. They didn't put their faith in God, or anynature gods. I came to this realization when I saw the film SEVENTHSEAL. This is a 1957 swedish film by Ingram Bergman. The leadcharacter, i think, was Antonius Block who played chess with deathand didn't care about anything. Even when a child is being burnt to deathbecause of witchcraft, he didn't try to go against the other knights, for he himself is a knight who just came from the holy land, intostopping the cruel punishment. Antonius Block didn't believe in God,and he even questioned him of why people continue in believing in himwhen He doesn't even show Himself to the believers, the people. AntoniusBlock was not in any way connected to the world he's living in, all he's living for is himself.In the end, they all died, except for these2 actors, Mary and Joseph(Yof) and their son, Michael(Mikel). Antonius,during the remaining minutes of their lives,tried to pray to GOd andasked HIm to save them and have mercy on them. Its funny really becausethis is very prevalent in our time, people calling to God only when theyare in need of His help. Going back to the film, they died. It wasshown through their holding of hands and dancing with death. It wasactually humorous, I mean how the actors played their roles, and for some,the acting itself was funny, but it was just my way of appreciating it.But generally, the film was good. It did contain a lot of parallelismswith Inferno. Death was just great. And I saw myself in Antonius Block.Also, there's a circle in Hell in the book(Inferno) where lust is punishedthrough stinging bees/insects and forever getting carried away by largewinds and storms. I wrote a required paper about this specific canto,because the sin of LUST amazes me greatly. Lust is not only the pleafor sensual/sexual connection, whatever you call it, it is basically thedesire of something overrunning morality and reason. In Antonius Block,I saw the desire of redeeming himself, of finding out about what he'strying to believe about the existence of God, and the desire to continueon living for himself alone. I really don't want to explain myself, butby saying that I saw myself in Antonius, I would have to sort of clear thingsout. We all have desires, desire to be loved, desire to be accepted, desireto be happy. Yes, my mistake was I desperately long for a happiness, for areason for happiness. This desire led me into wanting other unimportant thingsThings that when I finally attain it, would not mean anyhing when I die.But I go after it any way, because i want to be happy. But I am happy. But Ifind myself not enjoying the feeling.My desire now is to always finding my limit,challenging it and going beyond it.How did I become so daring?It is becauseI don't feel a thing. I don't believe that I'm gonna lose or gain anythingby it, so if I lost, It will really not matter to me. I'm awful, I know. Butyou know what? I'm starting to feel exactly the opposite of what I'vejust written. Its because of someone. Someone you don't know. If I couldonly tell him how he changes me, I would, really, but I'm trying tochange myself first totally, and that's when I'm gonna face him andpull out every little thing I want to say to him.I'm in love.I freaking am!
life's a bitch and then you die!
actually... that's true... but life being a big B doesn't have to be all bad... B's have fun... surely, I can too... but of course, I won't be a B noh! anyways, my entry is not about them or me...
I want to talk about the miracle of love... It exists, fine fine... But I'm just so confused right now of the concepts of it... some equate it simply to passion, to sacrifice, to pain, to pleasure, to martyrdom, to depression, to loneliness, and to freedom. You take two of the listed words, and all you get is a more baffling explanation of the L word. I mean really? When does one say that it is freedom because of love, and not just physical freedom? How does one know? We can never really know because as what everyone so daringly and truthfully believe, "it just happens". Oh well, not that I'm going through the whole confusion of the said issue, oh, no no, I just have this great amazement on how this THING affect everyone who is touched by it. BASTA! All I know is that I'm going back to the start! I took myself away from the situation, and I'm bringing myself to the beginning, where it all started~uhh..I'm being redundant, I know...~ I'm feeling young, and I want to feel young forever, for I believe the "young people" have the most fun and yet they have plenty of room in their heads for newly acquired knowledge and wisdom.~not that I'm so old already, but I feel like I've lived for a long time already,or it's just an effect of being the young one in an environment where enough maturity and responsibility is pressuringly asked of you.But anyways, I just finished reading "11 minutes" by Paulo Coelho, and I have to hand it to him, he's written a good novel.
I have nothing else to say now, just that I'm really missing my friends, as in I could cry and cry out of my depression and loneliness; and just when I finally realized and told myself over and over again that I'm numb and be indifferent, so as to not feel any joy and grief, I came to a better realization that I can actually entertain this "happy feeling" without being overrun by depression, how? It's my secret. So, right now, I'm happy, I'm changed, and I'm thankful that someone cares for me. FLUTO! I MISS YOU!
It was a saturday night, people were hanging out and just chilling. I looked up the moonless sky and just started thinking. Why was I even there? I invited myself there, and the people there was just going on with their usual lives, smoking, drinking, laughing. More than a year ago, the whole scenario is the same, and my presence there just didn't make any difference. Why did I even bother staying there? Fine, I have friends there too, but what was I doing there? The answer: I WAS WAITING FOR A MIRACLE. Maybe, the 7 months of my wait would finally be over and I don't know, some miracle would just hit us and I don't know. In the last 7 months, I've been crying myself to sleep, I've been telling myself to just be patient and just go with the ride, and I've been bugging my friends on how to just "detach" myself and not get all-too-serious about something that's really not there. I was waiting in vain, and honsetly, I'm getting tired. I don't see myself growing from this love. I don't see myself having no worries and problems, 'coz in fact, I've become more "uneasy" in the past 7 months compared to my paranoid history. Going back... I suddenly realized that I no longer have to wait. I can actually just feel indifferent. Feel numb. If something happens, then great. If nothing happens, great too. I really don't care anymore. At least, I know now how far my heart could go, and how long it could wait and continue on crying. THis is a real test, of being able to let go or staying. Some say that its harder to let someone go because you have to go through all the WHAT IFs and REGRET of this life, but I have to disagree. In staying, you're only killing yourself. You're not letting yourself explore and grow. But if you let go(let's change that, coz I'm really not yet letting go,I'm just gonna care less), if you cared less(and will soon end up on letting go), you'd have a lot of choices. There's greater room for you to find yourself OUT THERE. You'd be able to live life. If he goes after you, then great, if he doesn't, then great too, because if you waited for him, then you just wasted a great deal of your time. Right? I did my part, now let fate/destiny do its part. Finally, I'm not scared of the WHAT IF's and the future regret I'd be encountering after I "cared less". I learnt a lot from the past 7 months. THis should actually be a sad entry, but it ended up to be otherwise. I'm not happy, but at least I'm not crying anymore. Although some would say, its better to hurt and find little joy, than not having/feeling anything at all, well, my answer to that is, life is long, life is too big to all be focused on this one small part, him. For now, I'm contented with this, though its really nothing, at least I have time for myself and to learn and realize more things about this life.
alone and lonely, again
I'M NOT ALONE, BUT THEN WHY DO I FREAKING FEEL LONELY?
It's not everyday that I feel so comforted and just HAPPY.
Today is one of those days. I freaking feel so alone! better yet, lonely. It's like there are a lot of people around me, and yet, I really can't talk to them about life, about issues of life, and love maybe. Today is one of those times that I'm just missing my friends. If only I can call them up one by one and invite them to just hang out, chill out, and just be there, at that very moment, somewhere quiet and where there's a clear view of the night sky. I would look selfish and self-centered if I just kept on ranting on how I miss them, but hey, I really don't care anymore. I'm once again depressed because I can't seem to find the right people for me to talk to/with. FLUTO people: all busy and one is in California. I don't actually like to talk, i usually listen when it comes to serious sharings, but being able to very personal thoughts coming from people you trust, its a feel-good experience. I miss just staring at the wall or the people passing by and juts by looking at them(my friends), we already know what we're saying to each other.We're pyschic, only thing is, we're really not. Its already the 2nd sem of 1st year in college, and I still am not able to adjust to the new people around me, and the college life itself. When I entered college, its not only the "college"(the school and people I mean) that changed, everything. Before, I didn't care about anyone(not in a negative way). I mean, I used to be happy with just me, and my friends of course. Now, I feel like I've become desperate. I've felt more frustrated and disappointed at myself. I'm hating myself again. I wish I could just go to a friend's house and just sit on her bed and just cry. Let it all out, and maybe, I'd feel a little better. My friends rarely saw me crying. I really don't like the showing of affection and sh*t, but now, I'm regretting not doing it before, because now, I can't help and take it anymore.I'm happy, but there's a bigger part of me that is depressed. So one would say then that "you're depressed". But that's not as easy as it looks. I'm happy, I'm also depressed. I can go and have fun, but most often times, I'm depressed. Do you get it? Do you even freaking understand me? This is all useless! It's not making me feel better!
"I wish I could be, every little thing you wanted..."
I'm such a mess. I'm such a disappointment. No wonder nobody's interested in me. Well, yeah sure, they're interested, but then what? I'm again worried about these sh*t. Friends already told me before to just enjoy the ride and not get myself too attached to the things around me, by not expecting anything. But, I'm Ms. Paranoid, I'm Ms. Sensitive, I'm Ms. Analyze-things-everytime, so you understand, I really can't help it. I expect things and I wait for them to happen, and when I find myself not going through it and not feeling anything similar to it, at all, I cry myself to sleep and I burden myself with all these thoughts of me not being worthy of anything I have, no matter how little that "anything" is. But then I realize, I should just live LIFE. I mean, just live it. Let the waters flow its natural course, if I ever get stuck on a log or a big lump of rock on the way to the falls(which I consider the climax of the whole thing), then that's the time when I'll worry and get all fuzzed up. RIGHT! EXACTLY! "Continue to care, continue to feel the love(is it love in the first place?), but don't get too attached. Right now, that's what I'm trying to do. When I don't hear a ring in my phone or something, I shouldn't think about it too hard. I mean, who cares if no one remembered to text me today? I mean, who cares! As long as I know that there'll always be people caring for me, I'm perfectly fine! And maybe, texting is not their way of remembering me, maybe when they're out with their friends(or something), they remember me in their hearts and minds. RIGHT? I just hope I'll be able to keep this up for another day, or week, or month. I'm very unstable when it comes to these things. But wait, just one last thing.... "when you've finally fallen in love(after all the tears and heartache, you've finally found it, him, whatever), can you just suddenly lose the feeling?can you just suddenly stop caring?" >> well, to some people it will be all to impossible, but in my case, I think it'll happen. I don't know for what reason, but I think it'll happen to me because my mind's already setting everything to the idea that things will not last, that this won't last.... Its pretty ironic really, because I've prayed for this to last. I want THIS to be the first and the last. I don't want anybody else.I'M TIRED!I'm gonna go study..
