OOOOh GAbi...hahaCalm night.
Talk to me.
Calm night.
Hear my plea.
In constant want of your attention,
In dire need of your smile.
Each day that passes,
Hours, minutes, even
It’s your smile I always search for.
At night I sleep
With a smile on my face.
You don’t know it,
But that smile is for you.
At night I sleep
Alone
You don’t know it,
But I wonder if you’d stay with me.
The smiles you see
The content smile on my face
It’s not because of the dreams I have
Nor the morning that will soon come
It’s the mere sight of you that calms me.
It’s the wind blowing
Stars shining bright
That tells me that you’ve come,
Again.
How many songs should I sing?
How many times should you hear it?
To know that my voice,
My smiles,
Are for you alone?
Beautiful night.
How peaceful you look.
But sad, deep inside.
Do you worry
That people will forget you?
That when morning comes,
The stillness you brought
Will be lost?
Do you not see that I’m here?
the person who’s always waiting for you?
This simple little girl
Who has nothing to offer,
But still tries?
Do you not see her?
Do you not hear her, at all?
Do you search for something else?
Do you wish to be with someone else?
“Yes.”
“Oh. I didn’t know.”
Now I understand.
Now I see everything clearly.
You give me peace and comfort,
but its not only for me.
Your sadness,
Your mellowness,
Its for them,
and not for me.
I was wrong to think
I could have you.
I was wrong to think
That all you did was for me.
But I was not wrong
To fall for you.
Do you know what that means?
To fall?
For you?
You let go.
You fall.
Not for oneself,
For someone else.
I, for you.
So whenever you hear me
If you try really hard,
You’ll know
That I’ll still sing for you.
I’ll still smile for you.
I’ll still hope for you.
I’ll still try.
After all,
I’m just this little girl.
Who have nothing.
Who have no one else.
So, can I just have one smile?
One glance from you?
That’s all I ask.
For at least I can say,
That once,
You let go of your sadness,
And smiled for me.
eto kami dati......Block R COMTECH 2008whew. a lot's happened in, what?, 2 years. Wooooh. Parang Sybil entry 'to ah. wala lang.listening to the Scientist ngayon.... i'm going back to the start... awwww....nobody said it was easy.....tama tama........
FEB. 11,2006
I woke up at around 6am. I really didn’t care if I’m gonna be late for my 8am thing in school, because after all, its just a recollection required to us by our professor, or the school. I don’t know. At the tryc station in the Mini Stop-Katip-Aurora Blvd. area, I got to share a tryc with an old lady (not woman, coz an old woman is old old, she’s just old). I let her in first. I know right? Early in the morning and I’m starting it with little “good” deeds. She thanked me, I smiled back. I kinda felt angelic in the few minutes I got to share the tryc with her. On the way to Ateneo, she asked me what I study in Ateneo and I politely answered her, always with a follow-up smile. She told me that she used to teach religion class in Ateneo. During her time, the “higher” people sort of “kidnapped” them by telling them to give more assignments and activities to the students. It was kidnapping because both the teachers and students were stuck in school doing what they had to do, STUDY. She talked about how during her time, Saturdays in Ateneo were basically an empty and quiet time, but things have changed. Saturdays are normal class days now. She said that it only shows how the enrollment had increased. I followed it up by saying how this raised enrollment rate effected to traffic and pollution not only in the Katipunan area, but even INSIDE THE CAMPUS. She agreed and she had this way of saying “Ah, yes yes.” Like that of Mr. Meynardo Mendoza’s way of saying it. It was funny but it was kind of calming. I don’t know why. She also shared with me why she had to stop teaching and why it was only now that she had been able to go back to Ateneo, not as a teacher, but a student again. Her reason was that her father got sick. She went back to their province to be a good child and to take care of the things that needed care. She’s studying and taking her masters, I think. I forgot where she’s from, but she kinda found it funny that we had the similarity of being from a far place that we had to travel far distances everyday just to get to Ateneo. After our short conversation, I went down to look for the ISO building. I got a little lost. And it was plain stupidity. The sign ISO was right there in front of the building, but NOOO. I had to walk around the other building. Haha. I climbed the flight of stairs. It was when I felt more lost and confused. I saw room 4 and 5. Where was room 3? There were so many people, too, who were in office or semi-formal attires. I was wearing what? Red jacket, faded blue jeans, and slippers. I’m lost and underdressed. I looked around and I found it, FINALLY. I entered the room and saw my classmates already settled in their seats. Mama Dette reserved a seat for me, so YEHEY for me. And so, the RECOLLECTION started.
It was funny. The best si Kat. “What are your feelings/emotions at this very moment?”
Kat: something like BORED and SLEEPY. “Why?”. Kat: IT’S USELESS. Something like that. Haha. Had a lot of funny moments. I’m thankful for my blockmates because they made the recollection memorable for me. Well, not really, but hey, I was able to enjoy it because they were there to make fun of me, and of each other. HAHA. We did this activity wherein we had to write little notes to 8 people. For them to be one of the 8 worthy people, I should have/had an experience wherein I saw Jesus or God(?) in him/her. Well, I meant everything I wrote down. I really can’t say much about the things I wrote and whom I gave the notes, because I can’t….HAHA… We also had MCDO lunch delivered, but we still ate and paid for the lunch served in the ISO cafeteria, simply because some dude ordered for it and didn’t pay for it. So we were all FULL. Wait, before I go on, I’m not sure anymore of what came first, the NOTE-WRITING activity or LUNCH. So anyways, I took pictures of the block while they were eating. It was a fun lunch. The only sincere adjectives I can say are FUN and FUNNY. I’m sorry, I have very limited vocabulary. HAHA. Well, it was really FUN! Haha. Moving on. Before we celebrated mass, we had confession first. I waited for 20 minutes to pass before I really decided to DO IT. Well, it’s been 3 years since my last confession, it was also in a recollection. 5 and 6 years back, I confessed and cried. My last confession was nothing serious. When I was starting with my confession, I heard my voice tremble, and seconds later, I felt my heart tighten a bit. Oh, I was crying. OH well, forget about that. I just felt really guilty. BASTA. Then after that, I felt sooooo LIGHT! I promise! Confession helped me a lot! We had mass, and I read the responsorial psalm part. After the mass, people started to leave. I was getting nervous and worried because I was off to my friend’s baby’s christening. There’s someone there I didn’t want to see because I didn’t know how I’d react. Bad memories. To make myself feel better and “busy” I took pictures, again, of my blockmates. KULIT. Then I changed my clothes. I’m a ninang so I had to look more matured and PRESENTABLE.haha. and partly because I wanted to look good.HAHA! because of my apprehension, mama Dette suggested, “Jun ihatid mo si mama Liz sa church pero kasama kami, tapos ibalik mo kami sa Katipunan.” Original plan was I’m just gonna ride a cab going to some place and my kada will just pick me up there. My blockmates didn’t approve of it. I got more “stressed” because they were saying, “SIGE. GO GO. IHATID NATIN SI LIZ.” For me, nakakahiya. DIBA? Pero in the end, they all agreed, and I’m grateful but still nahihiya. And like what the confession did to me, I felt really comforted and calmed. IMAGINE! I’m not gonna face HIM alone. Well, I have my kada there with me, but its different.
Going to the village where the christening was held, we were sort of laughing and just making jokes. It was like a road trip, but not really. I was laughing with them but I still felt a little nervous because I’m not sure if I looked pretty enough or something. I’m a paranoid person! YES! So this anxiety was pretty normal. haha. We arrived at the church. I went down the car to look for my friends, and they were there, waiting for me. My blockmates’ plan was to just drop me off. But when I went back to the richest boy’s car to get my bag, I asked them, “Ano, alis na kayo or gusto niyo pa pumuntang reception?” They said, KAHIT ANO.OK LANG. Haha. So OK. That meant: TARA.ROAD TRIP NA! Haha. We were all in Jun’s car, so he was driving. On our way to the other village and the reception, we saw this one vehicle that looked utterly familiar. OOOHHH! It was THE car of ……… Then my blockmates were saying OK NAMAN PALA EH, while one said, I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU LIZ. So OK. That part of my life was over. It didn’t matter if he looked good or not now. I liked him, true. But oh well. Past. Past. Past. At the reception, my blockmates , oooh, let’s name them…. Mama DETTE, JUN, VICTOR and DINO. They kind of crashed the reception. Haha. They wanted to leave, have dinner somewhere or something. They were making plans in front of me! So I was a bit envious that they can go out to dinner, while I’m gonna be left behind with all the issues. I introduced them to the baby’s mother, also my kada, and my kada sorta invited them to join us in the party. Of course, nahiya kaming lahat. Haha. They stayed na lang sa may playground. May benches and table dun. While I’m with my kada seated on the assigned table for us. There weren’t enough room so I went to my blockmates. We talked, and talked. They asked questions, and I just answered. Good thing I didn’t cry! That’s one thing I didn’t want to do in front of him, or anyone else, in that matter. It was good because the things I’ve been keeping were all gone because I’m guilt-free. I confessed, and I was able to accept, forget and forgive. One thing I needed all this time was to let go. I had to set free all my anger and guilt. And on that day, on that Saturday, all my weight was gone. I felt so light and HIGH. And my blockmates were there to witness it and experience it with me. I kept on telling them how light I felt; how happy I got for just being there in that very moment. We talked maturely. They understood me. I opened up to them. I have trust issues. Well, though I open up to people, there’s still a larger part of me I keep hidden. That’s how much I don’t trust myself and others, I guess. But at that moment, I felt like sharing my story to them. They were good listeners and they were such good friends to help me understand and analyze the situation. They made the conversation light and funny again. And I don’t know. I felt fortunate for being in that moment with these people. Of course, I was grateful for them, driving a long long way to drop me off. Even more grateful for staying there with me. Haha. Funny moments with Dino. He was hungry. At first he was one of those who wanted to leave because he didn’t want to crash the party, but later on, he was the one who can’t get enough of the free food. Haha. We love you Dino! You rock! Haha. Kain lang ng kain! OKAY? He became my boyfriend for 2 hours. Basta. Para lang sa pagkain.haha!
After that, my FLUTO kada left na, and my blockmates and I left din. They were off to the Fort. Party party. Ako, loser life. Haha. But not that loser life. We went back to Ateneo to get Dette’s car at the North Carpark. The trip, again, was soobrang patawa lang. And oh, si Jun, gusto kaming patayin. Haha. Basta. Anyhoo, tt was so dark, but nagpicture picture pa rin kami. Haha. Pinatong namin sa isang car na may katapat na lamp post yung digi cam ko, tapos on our 2nd picture, dumating may ari ng car, with his friends sa van. So lahat sila nakita kami. KAHIYA. Tapos ako parang nagsabi na lang ako, “guys, thank you sa car ah.” Tapos yung owner ng car, “Haha. Sige lang. *smile*”. MAJOR LAUGH TRIP! Haha. So yun. We went to Eastwood. Ate at fazoli’s walang kamatayan. Pero sige, masarap naman eh. Picture picture ulet. At si Jun and Victor. Ehem. Tripping. Basta. Kami na lang nakakagets. Haaay. Tapos si Cholo and Tracy susunod daw. Umikot ikot na lang kami sa Eastwood. Food trip, movie? Ewan. We can’t decide. And alam niyo kung saan kami nag end up? Sa arcades!!! Haha. Hindi kami nakapag House of the Dead 4, kahit 2 hindi. Coz may “umangkin” na. mag boyfriend yung isa, sumunod, mag ama ata. Haha. So nag air hockey na lang kami, tapos yung parang Humpty Dumpty na babatuhin. Then some other games. Ang saya ng AIR HOCKEY! Waaah! Tapos nag something punch ang guys. Victor, Jun, and I’m sorry, CHOLO, siya yung highest/strongest na hataw. Haha. SI Dino, yung pang bata version, yung maraming ippunch.haha. laugh trip ulet. After dun, ikot ikot, tambay, lakad lakad. Dapat stay sa condo ni Cholo sa eastwood, or coffee sa kung saan, pero wala, panira ako! Napaka Cinderella ko. Ate ko nag text na sakin, thinking na pinapauwi na ako. Pero kasi usually pag ganun, alam ko na ang kasunod. But the next morning yung 3rd sister ko sabi, “baket umuwi ka na agad? Tinatanong ko lang naman kung baket hindi ka pa umuuwe. Kung sinabi mong eh nagbobonding pa kaming blockmates eh, eh di OK lang sana.” BUT OH WELL. Tapos na eh. Nakauwi na ako. Diba? Pero sobrang fun nung night na iyon. Well, Medyo biased talaga ako. Pero kasi, part nung pagka happy ko eh because I was there and someone was there. Vagueness. Labo-ness. Haha. Pero Basta. I’m happy, (some parts deleted)let's just say na WALA NA PALA IYANG "i was there and someone was there.."haha! forget all that! I'M HAPPY NGAYON, simply coz I'M HAPPY!---enjoying my independence... and the "unattached" feeling... basta, i tend to attach myself to things na hindi naman dapat i-attach ang sarili... like sa wall...sa email? LABO. haha.
so many good things have happened.
i can't even keep track of them.well LIZ,you shouldn't in the first place!
i'm pretty much done with the analyzing and emo moments. its tiring and draining. well, DUH lizet! no one told you to analyze?! no one said you needed to reflect on evry single detail or event of your day.
well, yeah, i knew that! but i can't help it. i keep myself busy.when i say busy, its BUSSSSSY. i became active in this org event i wasn't originally part of. i trained for flag football, as if there's gonna be no more other trainings. i studied for tests. i finished a book. im currenlty reading a new book.i'm watching tv.i rest and sleep.i never let an idle time pass. I MUST DO SOMETHING, EVERY SECOND,MINUTE,HOUR.
but even before my eyes close, my mind suddenly pushes a playback button of my day's experiences.
i see again these familiar faces. i feel again my anger, impatience, skepticism,ignorance,stupidity,and loneliness.these are enough to make your mind work again.these are enough to make me formulate new observations, theories about people, and conclusions. these are enough to hear myself crying again.
i have a friend.he told me it frustrates him when he sees someone cry.he feels like he needs to do something to help her/him.this made me think, which wasn't new at all.
why do i love to cry so much?is it because i find comfort in the fact that "i'm crying,and im letting it all out"?
or is it because i love the sympathy/attention i get from others?
i complain that no one seems to trust me with their depressing concerns,down moments,etc, when i can't even stop and control myself from my own life's drama.
this friend of mine.he kinda gave me an idea of how it is to be cried to.i wouldn't really know because i can count with my one hand the number of time someone cried to me.most of the time, im doing all the emo stuff.
i realized i have been selfish for keeping my own pains, then resorting to crying. then act as if people didn't try to care about and for me.
well.the flow of thought disappeared, so i really don't know what to say now.I'M HAPPY WITH MY DECISION. A or B? well, there's always a C. all of the above, and a D.NOTA (none of the above). i chose D.i don't want to think about it anymore. i'm tired of weighing.
well.i wrote this days ago, and after reading it again.. hmmm... well, same pa rin naman.. pero ewan... kala ko i can take back my choice, and go for B, but then again, bumabalik lang ako sa pagiging CONFUSED. so fine, sige. I'm back to letter D. NOTA.
HAPPY HEART'S DAY. i'm not bitter, i just want some balance. if some people are soooo damn happy today, then put all the depressing and sad emotions on me... its totally fine with me...
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
