for the coming new year
ito ang aking misyon...
L-A-L-A-Y-O
actually hindi ko rin alam kung saan ako lalayo...kung kanino... basta iyan ang misyon ko...
lalayo sa bisyo? lalayo sa attachment? lalayo sa masamang balak? lalayo sa tao?
pero ang paglayo ay hindi lamang ang pisikal at literal na paglayo, maaari ring pag-iwas
o paglimot, o tama, pag "give up"... pero hindi ko alam... sabihin ko mang lalayo na ako sa alkohol... talaga lang ha?! lalayo na ako sa masamang balak? ang tanong, mayroon ba?
lalayo na ako sa IYO, pero kaya ko ba? oo nga pala, ang paglayo rin ay maaaring makapagpalapit sa akin sa ibang mga tao o ibang mga bagay... sa paraan ng paglayo, ako ay magkakaroon ng mas malawak na panahon upang makapag "spend" ng oras kasama ang ibang mga tao na "i should not take for granted"...sinimulan kong basahin ang libro ni Bo Sanchez na "Simplify"... sabi roon, alamin kung sinu-sino at anu-ano ang mga importante at mahalaga sa buhay ko... at siyempre, unang una, ang sarili ko... hindi ko magagawang magmahal ng ibang tao kung hindi ko magawang mahalin ang sarili ko... siguro sa ngayong taon, iyon na lamang muna ang aking pagtutuunan ng pansin dahil iyon ang kulang sa akin...mga kaibigan, huwag kayong mag-alala dahil kayo ay isa pa rin sa aking mga 'inspirasyon' ba? haha...wala... dapat dalawang linya lang ang "entry" na ito kung saan sasabihin ko lamang ang misyon ko sa darating na taon, ngunit hindi ko talaga makayanan hindi ilabas ang mga rason at eksplanasyon ko sa misyong LALAYO...haaay buhay!
ngayong pasko
siet.dati ko na naisip at na-"realize" 'to pero I don't know, I have this stronger force within me that keeps on denying it.
"hanggang dito na lamang tayo". oo, tama... alam natin na tayo ay ganito at ganoon, ngunit, subalit, wala na itong ilalayo pa. wala nang "improvement" o "development" pa na mangyayari. malungkot, oo, its FREAKING SAD, pero sana makayanan kong tanggapin. Ngunit, hindi ko rin magawang ituloy ang pagsuko, ang pag "give up" ba...dahil kung saan man ako tumingin o humingi ng adbiso, pare-pareho ang kanilang sinasabi sa aken... "dude, meron iyan...maghintay ka lang...ang sweet kaya". lumalayo ako hindi dahil pagod na akong maghintay, actually kaya ko pang maghintay, oo, kayang-kaya ko pa... lahat ng tao at bagay ipagpapaliban ko para lang magkasya sa sched ko ang continuous na paghihintay sayo, pero naisip ko... its over, even when it hasn't started yet...gets mo ba? na- "realize" ko... maghintay man ako ng siyam siyam, ganito pa rin naman ang estado ng "kung anuman ang mayroon tayo ngayon". hindi iyan magbabago.baket?malay.paano nangyari ito?ewan.gusto ko man alamin at bigyang solusyon ito, wala lang ako magagawa.iiyakan ko ito ng ilang beses at ilang araw dahil gusto kita.oo, totoo, ngunit wala na tayong magagawa kung ayaw sa atin ng tadhana.seryoso, hindi ito puros kakornihan o ka "mushy"-han...siet...nakita na kita sa tabi ko... nakita ko na ang sarili kong kasama ka, kung saan man... nagtatawanan at nagkukulitan, pero, nakita ko na rin na sa mga oras na iyon, puro katahimikan at ka-walang saysay ang mangyayari sa atin. sabi nila, "things will work out if you do something about it, or if you work things out"...anlabo,pero gets? puro "work things out" kung wala na rin naman iwowork out?ang hirap nito aminin sa sarili, dahil mayroon na ring mga nakapagsabi noon na "wala...mukhang wala talagang 'sincerity or effort' "...maaaring totoo nga ito, pero siempre,ako tanga at umaasa pa diba? pero bumalik tayo sa "realization" ko...waiting has just become useless...not because uubusin lang nito ang iyong lakas at pagmamahal, its also useless because when you reach the end of it all, wala ka rin mapapala... nakatulong ng malaki ang blog ng isang kaibigan...siya rin ay nagkaroon ng sarili niyang "realization"...haha... paskong pasko napakalungkot ng aking iniisip... hindi....matagal na ito....ngayon ko lang siguro tunay na sisimulan ang pag "give up"...pero ewan...hindi ko na alam... I'm just repeating myself...after some time, I'll write another entry similar to this one, and it will just be a continuous routine... aaaghh.... feeling itself is useless.... but what the heck... HAPPY CHRISTMAS! Jesus, save me from myself! I love you! and you too!
last days of school
I forgot to write about my last days of school,so this entry will hopefully make up for it.
HALA! I'm losing the motivation to write about the last days of school. I lost all the "momentum" na rin kasi eh. I mean, the morning after our Block Christmas Party, I was still a bit excited about everything that had happened, but later this afternoon, and even now, I'm just tired of saying things over and over again. I've told my mom, my sisters, etc. Is it really like that? I mean, when you say and do things over and over again, does it always tend to bore you?or does it always give you a feel of "pagkasawa"? Ewan... I'm sleepy, but the weird thing is: I slept at around 12midnight, woke up at 3am,then slept again, woke up again 5am and went back to sleep.Then I woke up at 10:30am, surfed the net until 12, then ate lunch. After an hour or so, I found myself feeling tired and sleepy again,so I went up my room and slept again.Woke up at 6pm. See?! I'm such a sleepy lazy gurl! My name should be Sleepy-Lizzy or Lazy-Lizzy. Aggghh! Fine fine, just for the heck of telling you what happened to me the past week....
FRIDAY:
after class, I met up with Arbi,Bello,Jesi+Obert.Bello left.Obert left.the 3 of us went to my village to hang out some more.We stayed near the pool,and it was just nice:being with your friends,hanging out, in a very calm place.ASTIG!
SATURDAY:
dumating si arbi ng around 10:30pm i think?food trip.sha may dalang food.mom ko,ate ko,cuzin ko nakinabang din sa food..hehe..arbi and aj were like playmates eh...haha!ala lang.FUNNY.he went home ng mga past 12.i don't remember na masyado eh.
SUNDAY:
bazaar/tiangge hopping with my sisters(ortigas center something, metrowalk, night market)
MONDAY:
no PE,so my 1st class was at 8:30, Filipino.I still haven't done any research for Filipino and my ENglish proposal.
TUESDAY:
I decided to cut P6,so my next class is at 12,but at around 10am,I'm still sleepy,so I decided to not go to school at all.I finally searched for some stuff for Fil and Eng.While watching LOVERS IN PARIS,I baked for mama dette(blockmate)
WEDNESDAY:
My blockmates missed me!I should cut more often!haha!No pe again.haha!Planned and surveyed on with the food we'll bring for Friday.
THURSDAY:
Physics was at 7:30am,I came early again!We had a long test.We were off early,for it actually depended on how early you finish the test. I finished at 830,when we're supposed to be dismissed at 9.Good enough.At 930 we have P6 lab,I decided to cut again,turns out they had class for only 40mins.I stayed at the library to do some research again for Eng and Fil.It was really cold!FREAKING COLD!Math at 12,I was 10mins. late,but I didn't miss anything.Mama dette then gave me 2 cello's donuts.yum yum!I asked paola b. to accompany me to go to some ukay-ukay store,hubert came along,with earvin,then Alfred,eli,kai,carlo,and other blockmates tagged along.I bought this capri pants(real nice material and design)that I'm going to turn into a skirt,its only P50, then a red jacket that fitted me perfectly,P150.It was my first time at an ukay place.We went back to Katipunan via LRT.It was my first time in the new LRT.It was fun!Then,I went home in a jeep.First time for me to go home during rush hour,riding a jeep,alone.Alone meaning there's no Niko or Earvin around.We live on the same area.Cainta-Antipolo.
FRIDAY:
No Fil,so class starts at 9:30.I woke up at 3:45am because the simbang gabi is at 4:30am.the mass celebrant was the parish priest so the mass ended at 6am.I finished my Eng paper.Went to class.Eng became religion class.Lit was great,we stayed in an airconditioned MMR,continued watching Hamlet,we were on Act 3++.We saw the part where Ophelia was mad and she was floating on the stream,then was drowned.The scene when she was floating was just great.Really nice and dramatic.Break time,I was with Orbs and Carina,we stayed at the library to finish some Fil research.haha.I learnt something new about the periodical/special collection area.really helpful.Math, we had a test.It was easy,but I didn't study,but I think I did well.We were off at 2:30.Some blockmates gave their gifts already to their babies because they are not going to our party.Some were just nice and thoughtful to have given us something.Met up with the others,went to KFC while the others went to Rustan's grocery and Mcdo.WEnt to Maxinne's place.Food trip, hung out!At around 6:30pm uncle symon came with the DRINKS!oh yeah!some had other things with them.We had a program,awarding,AC sang!some played the piano.Luis entertained us with his "mach dances" with a variation of street dancing stunts.We exchanged gifts,and it was just FUN.There were plenty of food.There were apple pie,cakes,ice creams,chicken,bbqs,pasta,donuts,etc.There were also some beer and vodka.Imagine,P2,800 worth of beer and vodka.All taken care of uncle symon.haha!Some went to mass at Gesu(ateneo),I went home early.I was sleepy!Heck,I was excited for the break already.Oh yeah!One more thing.During the giving of gifts,uhhh..Nikko(not Niko,okei?)was my "baby" I gave him a red cap,coz I thought he liked caps,which he did daw...then he thanked me, etc..fine fine..then after a while,we were drinking,they were playing cards,it was time for me to go home..so I said my goodbyes(our goodbyes,along with Niko,Jun,Mama dette,H)to everyone.Nikko was there and thanked me again for the cap.We shaked hands(he initiated it),then he held my hand tight,then gave me a kiss on the hand.haay! NOt that I'm kilig or I liked him coz of that...actually i sorta liked him before pa..pero gets?its just nothing....hmmm...the effects of alcohol!!!!! hehe..just kidding...it just felt great...ala lang..parang it was a very sincere gesture...parang i really felt his gratefulness for the gift I gave him(shempre exchange gift,mejo required na may ibigay diba?)..and yun..it was a perfect way to end the night...
oh well..guess that's it! No one's reading my blog anyway...so I don't care if I made sense or what.......the heck with this entry..haha!! Sleepy!!! Gonna sleep!!! oh yeah!!!
feeling similar.feels the same.
Sordid, repulsive, ghastly.
Sardonic, mordant, scathing.
Poignant, miserable, gloomy.
Dejected, crest-fallen, discouraged.
Lonely, solitary, desolate.
Alone and unaided.
FREAK! I can't let you go! Even if I choose to let you go, and forget about you, I simply can't!
You're the best I ever had! Oh, my mistake! I never had you, I think I never will! SORRY is sometimes not enough! I stopped blaming myself, because I've finally realized that it was so naive of me to hope for something! But, I know it to myself, I will keep on coming back to you! I keep on falling for you, and yet, you have not the single idea.
