30 December 2005 0 comments



THERE'S NO ONE AROUND
i was doing some project organizing and picture editing, and site hopping when i got to read my cousin's blog.
not only was it super dramatic (can even be compared to how dramatic i was, once, not so long ago), it had some things I didn't know and never had a clue of/about. I talk to him about everything, and i really can't expect him to tell me everything too, but i guess, its just one of those things i kinda look for and long for: the feeling of being needed. its different when someone WANTS to talk to you, and when someone NEEDS to talk to you. its not about esteem or ego, or pride. its about knowing your importance and worth. it tells you that you have a lot of things to live for. coz when you find yourself not being searched for, unwanted, rejected, simply forgotten, you start to wonder. is it then unfair if i say that i have wondered about a lot of things, and i've pondered on issues and concerns that doesn't even directly affect me.but hey, i love to think. i love analyzing situations that people wouldn't find time analyzing or pondering on. i felt how it is to have a birthday and not be remembered. I felt how it is to fully put my walls down and then, be just left alone and lost. i haven't ranted for a long time. i haven't written anything dramatic (bitter, yes, but not dramatic and super emo) since end of summer. this is a level 5 (being the highest). things ive written these past months about this someone i couldn't have is just a level 3 or 3.5. shet. im pathetic enough to give ratings/levels to my writings.

my cousin, in his blog, put the piano version of ANGELS OR DEVILS by Dishwalla (a band i just love, and the song, ive been in love with for years). he also wrote about emptiness. and again, i did some thinking.
we all feel a different kind of emptiness. the word can be related to, defined as, understood to be, taken for so many things. for me, emptiness is loneliness+frustration+cynicism/skepticism(whatever's more appropriate to me). loneliness is caused by my lack of faith, trust and hope that only started in one little frustration.
i remembered this one time when i was with my 2 blockmates in mocha blends, katip. we stayed there for 3 hours just talking about stuff.30 mins. before we left (i think), we started talking about relationships.
i'm totally scared of heights (not that you cared/needed to know). but i overcame that fear.and there's one more fear i haven't told anybody.well, i guess i did share it in class but it was in a game so no one would really remember it.okay, going back to relationships and my fear. hmmm. it doesn't make any sense, really.im not scared of relationships. its something else.its somehow shown in the picture above. yeah. THERE'S NO ONE AROUND. there are days when i feel like it is better when there's no one around. better for me and for them/anyone.but there are days (and these days are rare, and when it comes, i totally shut down. i become unproductive, i break down. people wouldn't want to talk to me if they see me) when i am too bitter and angry at everything and everyone. everyone's to blame for everything. there's no one around, its sad, and i hate it.
when these days come, i ask myself: what's wrong with me? well, not the usual "whats wrong with me" kind of questioning, of course. its the kind of questioning when i reflect on the things i have done and have not done. sometimes i think, i have the tendency of pushing people away without doing anything crazy, weird, mean. i just suddenly fall out of the picture and everything turns out just fine. am i that good at running away and/or pushing people away that these people doesn't even ask "what happened?and why?". or am i that worthless that i easily become a tiny detail of a small memory they have of that moment we shared together?
either way, its sad.

i like someone. person A.hopeless. yeah.that chapter is over for me.
now, im falling.person B.im not sure if i am falling, or if i've already fallen.
i try to make sense out of all of it, but my mind and emotions clash.
so now, its like im hanging on a cliff, waiting for someone to reach out a hand to me and bring me up, or waiting for someone to shout at me telling me to let go and just fall.
1)going up means doing the sensible thing:you climb a cliff, and what's the BEST thing to do but go on top of it>>keeping your FOCUS, and sticking to the PLAN
2)letting go and freefalling means doing an unexpected thing:you've already gone far up the cliff only to go down again not even sure if someone's really there to catch and assist you>>FREEing yourself from all restrictions as if fighting the universal laws of life, but with a price of RISKing and losing your life


Estoy cansada de esta vida

====================


26 December 2005 0 comments

december 2005-'06

i'm enjoying the holiday!
earlier this december, i didn't have any money. i was planning to buy a pair of running shoes, but hey, its CHRISTMAS, gifts for my family first.
basta!sobrang mismong gabi ng pasko wala ako sa mood, tipong ayoko magmass, blah blah blah.. ewan ko ba... tapos last minute, i was okay na.
tapos hyper na ewan.
after eating, and opening our gifts, wala, tambay, kantahan sa magic mic.haha
then text ng mga tao ng greeting, then tulog na.
nung morning, kain nanaman.haaay! basta!
bonding with my sisters, cousins, aunts, lola, siblings ng lola namin.
december 25 ng gabi, me, my sisters and cousins went to eastwood.
ikot ikot. dapat hanap ng place na may tumutugtog or something, gets? gimik. then wala.haha.kids' day pala nun, kaya walang nangyayari nung gabi.
ikot sa mall, tiangge, then went to seattle's then fazolli's. tapos sakto, sa may labas ng fazolli's andun si sam(of big brother) with his family...haha...
napicturan siya ng cousin and sis ko.as in sobrang mga tao as in harap harapan na siya pinipicturan. parang, HALA.MGA TAO TALAGA. anyhoo.nasa multiply ko narin (siguro by this time) yung pic niya.ang tagal kasi maupload ng pix eh.haha! sige.
early pako bukas! pupuntang...i forgot where...basta, papa renew ng passport.. as in dark ages pa passport ko.haha!

iADIOS!


22 December 2005 0 comments

overnight at mitch's place.
hung out with KULOGS, minus pam bello and plus rhett(aina's bf).
food trip, literal.
tapika gig to watch and support BELFAST. you'll love them. promise!
did my papers that were due wednesday.
slept for 1 1/2 hours. went to the 5:30am simbang gabi.
did my papers again. slept at 7 or 8am. woke up at 10am to finish my papers.
left eastwood at around 2:15pm. arrived ateneo at about 3:20. or something.haha
passed my filipino reaction paper about the latest play we watched, NASAAN SI KALIWETE.
i hated it. im bad, but they could've done a lot better, i know they could. maybe they were experimenting, but heck, it was a very big risk.
played catch, a bit of fun flag.
met up with mama dette, bought pizza, then went to maxinne's house.
hung out with Block R, and ate a lot.
picture taking, gift giving, laughing, teleserye acting, etc.
Haven't gotten any decent sleep so around 9:30pm, i was getting boring and/or bored.
went home at around 10:30, thanks to Jess.
arrived home by 11pm.
im tired.
im confused.or not.i just don't know if im just being bitter, lonely, dependent, or whatever.
well, i guess it didn't mean anything. i guess nothing meant to these people. I was just a part of their life, someone of no significance. why do i always have to think that i'm falling, and suddenly get jealous of NOTHING, and then i breakdown? oh well. gotta go rest.

"so lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares....."
"am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?"
"i can tell, by the moment i wake/woke up its gonna be a LONELY LONELY LONELY day..."

daaaaaaamn.......


18 December 2005 0 comments

Hmm. Friday, December 16, 2005, we had comm class at 11:30am. Discussed digital divide, blah blah blah. Went to sec walkway early and went around the AMA mall. There were really nice tops and pants, and these cute boxes with broken glass designs for a P100. Then, there were these Pepsi lazy walks? I really don't know what its called. haha. imbento. oh well. Had sci10 class. After that, went to Marion's condo para magpahula, but I ended up sleeping in her room while the others watched Kung Fu Hustle. Kung Fu Hustle was a good movie. If you just wanna laugh and be awed by the fight scenes, you gotta watch it. The manghuhula came in late, even after we left the condo she hasn't arrived yet. Jogged, sprinted, deflagged and was deflagged by mich and timi, ran routes, caught chris'/ryan's pass,caught a "touchdown", jogged 2 consecutive field rounds, squatted, did sit ups and crunches, did leg raises, did 2 kinds of push ups, did up downs, etc etc. Basta, I really like our present routine. Everyone gets to jog, sprint, do O and D drills, run routes, etc. Its training time well spent. haha.Then after that, went to meat shop, in celebration of Mich's bday (which was last tuesday). Haha. Oh well, bonding again with the team. I didn' breakdown nor throw up this time. I learned my lesson na! "counterflow" when will it stop? haha. After that, we went home. I ate dinner pa, then went online and did something stupid. Its stupid for me coz ang weird nung situation. Its like saying HI and shaking the hand of someone who doesn't remember you. Parang naiisip niya siguro, "sino 'to?huh?" pero hinsi sino 'to yung magiging question, more of, "huh?bakit biglang ganito 'to?" waaah. well, sabi ko naman take things as it is eh, diba?

Saturday, December 17, 2005. Started reading DIARY by chuck palahnuik. i borrowed it from A-dy.Actually may isa pang book eh. haha. then started studying for Sci10, im finishing na lang my notes for the long test. Also, had an early midnight snack(weird,pano kaya yung early midnight snack?)with my 2 aunts and lola(mother side). Had coffee and puto bungbong and suman. haha. paskong pasko na nga talaga.its fun to talk about it, and the experiences i share with family because of the christmas feeling and time, but why doesn't i feel the excitement of Christmas day itself? oh well.


10 December 2005 0 comments

i just edited my template. I'm wishing I knew how to make a template so i can just change and edit it when i get bored to seeingee the same thing, over and over.

Anyhoo, my site title is CONFUSION IS COMFORT. Hmm. It explains how i feel and think right now. I think I've become more objective. Hmm. Not really. I've just become less dramatic and emotional now. reading and marketing were a big part to my "recovery". haha. recovery because to be honest, i still haven't recovered from my past attraction and attachment. Yeah, my friends are right, I can still like someone and not feel pressured and super uber HOPEFUL that it comes to the point that HOPE becomes an understatement. I don't want to become like one of those stalkers who WISH to the stars in the sky and go out of their way just to see and follow the person they like. OOOh, exage, but gets? And since I'm getting "well", why, then, did i say that CONFUSION IS COMFORT? Well, for me, it feels good to know that I can feel and get confused and lost. It makes me want to do more, and be better at doing them. It shows me the bigger picture of things. It makes me think deeper and with more sense. Well, I may not be right at times, but because of the process I experience and undergo, I feel like I'm learning something real and important.

Well, to sum it all up, I'm confused not because of 2 choices, but because of a choice of whether to acknowledge something, or ignore it and just let fate play its course. I don't know. Something's telling me to go and give it a try, but I'm not that very convinced that I should risk things just to "give it a try". I just don't know. I have my set of theories, and Im not sure if they are anomalies (sorry, sci 10) that are worth looking into.

ARGHHHHHH


Liz
i changed the original layout picture,so, this one'sby me...shhhhh.

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