this is me! harhar!
at baywalk....haha! i took the picture...shempre, para may solo ako mamaya!harhar!
CAN'T HELP IT!ARGH! i was supposed to go to mich's place in eastwood, along with jesi and obert, but then something came up. since my cousin is going away on monday (who'll be away for a long time), my sisters decided that we eat out, for it is the last weekend of our cousin in the country. so we left the house at around 9pm, and off to Baywalk. we all got confused coz one said boardwalk, the other said brickroad. All i know is that we're going to roxas blvd-manila bay. Luckily, that's also the place i'm gonna write about in my filipino paper. the place was deceiving. It looked so alive with all the bright lights and the bands and the people just passing by, but after awhile, you'll notice the smell of the bay, just awful. anyways, we had fun.we were laughing so hard on our way to baywalk. i don't know, my sisters and i just have this great chemistry together that when one says a stupid thing, we connect it to another, and the next thing we know, we're all laughing our hearts out. really nice. Just years ago, we're all having issues about each other, but look at us now. that's why i can't bear the fact that in a couple of years, they'd have their own lives in their very own houses, while I'm still living with my parents, probably in some condo unit. Hearing my parents talk about the future is freaking sad. I'm gonna miss the "biglaang" gimmicks, and the "panlalait" and "pangtitrip". haha! we're like a kada, but we're really not.When we were at baywalk, i told them, just out of nowhere about this guy they asked about. I told them the truth, that he was interested in someone else. They just said that I'll find some other guy. True true. Then i followed it up with this other guy who had "other priorities" (like a girlfriend). My sister was just shocked, "talaga? bakit ganun?". I just smiled, "ewan".Life is so ironic, that's why its so funny! haha!what else?oh yeah, on our way to roxas blvd, we passed by EXPORTBANK. well, i just can't help but remember those days. it was just nice to remember. ewan. some would understand what happened in exportbank, some wouldn't. well, that's better off that way. my life is like an open book that everyone knows about, so maybe, i'll keep some details for myself and some other friends.i'm bored! i'm not sleepy!argh!
i just erased my "happy" blog entries. i have a lot, but i erased those of with the mention of "him".call me bitter, call me "one lonely kid", fine by me, coz i know to myself that i'm not.well, not totally. i just laughed when i read the stuff i wrote last november. I wrotestuff like, "whatever IT IS we have, is worth everything". i guess now i've realizedthat it wasn't worth anything. i really wanted it to last, because i never really likedsomeone that lasted for so long. yes, really. but then, there's always a first timein everything. i had a lot of first last year. i got kinda experimental. hmmm. last year was my first college year. my first ORSEM (and last). my first "whateverit is" kinda relationship (i actually never considered it as a relationship, but hey, hedid, and that was something).so hmmm... here are reposts from october 03. grabe, nung time pa lang na iyan, i knew it, but i did nothing.i just let it all out, because iwas still hoping that he'd be/feel/do otherwise. i have FOUR bitter entries, these are just ONEand TWO. ONE is by an unknown author.TWO is by me.enjoy the bitterness!TWO10/03/04>>I am a sucker for love. Not everybody knows that about me.Why so?Because I used to believe that it’s so cliché and it makes people superficial.But the real reason behind it all is that, I was afraid of rejection.I used toget the things that I want. I’m such a spoiled brat. But somehow,I learnedhow to gain a bit of maturity, and now,I can say that I have learned well.When I don’t get the things I want,I just tell myself that I want it, butit’s really not what I need.
But a question rises. How do I know if it’s a want or a need? I don’t know.
It just comes to me. Its like a sudden glow of light passing through my head,
making my head feel light, making me want to cry. It’s all too “unreal”,
because its not the exact feeling I get, but it is somehow the closest towhat I experience.
And I guess, it is best to be expressed in those terms.It does help me get through,
and it helps me realize some things I don’t get tosee everyday.
But now, I am quite angry, I am bitter, I am frustrated and disappointed...
of myself… Because I got the biggest surprise in my life. Rejection. Its prettysimple.
Its easy to understand, and its self-explanatory. Who would actuallywant rejection?
Who would actually want to get rejected by the very thing youwant? I know I don’t!
I always thought that when all connection stopped, then its time to let go. But,
something changed. I became hopeful, I was willing to wait. For the first time.
Iam not sure if its really for me, or what, but I was willing to find out.
Even if itcost me my own happiness. But hey, happiness comes after every sacrifice, everystorm, every tragedy. I waited and waited.
I just don’t know if there’s gonna be enough left, of me,
when the time I’ve been waiting for, comes.
Bit by bit, I’m becoming like a ghost, growing invisible of this world.
Bit by bit, I’m becoming like a dream, a nightmare,
only seen in the realms as you sleep. Bit by bit, I am eaten by my own desire,
my faith and hope. Bit by Bit, I’m finally learning, realizing, and accepting,
you are never gonna be mine.
ONE10/03/04I used to think it was my lossThat you would rather call her than call me.That you would rather catch a glimpse of her thanspend an hour with me.That it was her face you sought to find in the crowdAnd never mine.
I used to think it was my lossThat id wake up in the morning and smile thinking ofyouAnd that you'd wake up in the morning and smile cuzyou dreamt of her.That no matter how much I deny, its her heart you wantto winWhile all this time you've already got mine.
But now I know its YOUR loss For every conversationEvery smileEvery moment I have shared with you in my mind; in mydreamsYou will never truly feel.
I know now, its YOUR lossFor when you walked past me todayFor when you walked out of my life forever;
You just didn't walk out on ME.
You walked out on that one person who thinks you'reworth the wait; the love; and even the pain. And forthat; you missed out on what could have been the bestand most magical moment of your life.
hmmm.... nothing new.... still failing physics... 17/40.... at least consistent.....
ahhh what the f*ck.... i'm hating my academic status..... seryoso..
nag CHristmas break lang.nagsimula na akong maging....WENK!
sabog, in a negative note... errrr.. math ko lalo! pero ngayon, no more distractions...
no more reason for depression and yes blockmates, FRUSTRATION.. hehe..
i'm sooo loving my life right now... pero i need a little help in going back to life's race....
as i remember it right, i stumbled onto the ground...coz i'm somewhere in the middle of this...>>haha kumanta na eh noh? hmmm... support! well,
anjan ang blockmates ko, sobra.. helpful... salamat! KULOGS, kitakits sa sabado...
FLUTO, malapit na tayong magkita ulit... VIER, march 19-20..harhar! hmmmm..
pero baket ganun? i'm feeling so down.... errrr....
guess literal na NOTHING NEW.... still single....
still masaya na down...MALABO..yes yes.... *bow*
i realized last year..i'm not ready for any relationships... and yet....
tsk tsk.. LIZZETTE LIZZETTE..
i contradict myself when it comes to stuff like this...
i know something's bad for me, and i still go after it.. tsk tsk...
pero ngayon..hindi na... promise!
FRIDAY.Party. In 10 mins. 2 vodka ice.Dinner, a little bit of chicken, pork, beef, and rice.3rd vodka ice. Rest.BUT! Tequila called out to me.No one can ever say "no" to tequila.Round shots. Not everyone drank.4 shots, not in shot glasses (1/3 of water goblets/glasses in formal dinners=1 shot)yes.yes.next thing i know. i messed up the sala floor.good thing not on the carpet.i ranted. i kept on saying freaking-f***ing frustrated.blah. blah.did i mention his name? i don't remember.they helped me through the washroom.threw up. then cried.i couldn't breathe. i cried. there were real tears.its not just the alcohol. it was really me.i felt the pain, disappointment and the frustration flowing out of me.i'm losing all strength and energy, wanting to just fall down.my blockmates, almost half of my blockmates who went, were there to almost carry me just for me not fall down.i broke down. first ever.i cried to my friends before, but i never totally broke down.when i get tipsy--->drunk, i speak in english.i don't get it either, but maybe english is easier to say,more effortless because of the syllables. instead of "AYAW KO, just say NO".instead of "wag mong hawakan buhok ko, say >>dnt toch my hair"get it?anyways. that was the highlight of my night.my blockmates told me that "kaya mo naman eh, kulang lang sa pacing"I totally agree.I drank too much within a very short period of time.Mathematically, my rate of drinking was too fast. errr...I was not planning to get wasted.I just... I don't know...I realized one thing.I'm numb>>>not really.... "I'm just not ready to feel any love, yet"I tried really, but I still can't let go completely.Maybe I already have, but there's still a part of me that pushes other possibilities away.I'm not ready.I don't know when I will be again.Just not now.
GRABE! Ang daming bago ngayon! I don't know. I was talking to a friend (siyempre sa ym) and suddenly I felt fine na lang bigla. I don't know, I felt the comforts of my other friends, and yes, the pain-to-the-heart realizations helped, but I needed just one more "feel good" advice and encouragement for me to be okay. Well, last week, my parents considered actually living in a condo at eastwood. It'd be 2 studio types, one would be used for "renting" in the future (sorry na, always think of ways to earn..haha). The possibility was 60-40, in favor of the PRO condo. Well, I didn't like the idea. For a lot of reasons: I won't have my own room, its a bit small compared to what I was used to (as in compared to our house when I was younger pa sobra, our present house is okay..), it wouldn't be really a "home", you know? It would just be a "sleeping and dining" area. There won't be any nice neighbors to greet during the Christmas and New Year. There won't be a large land to stroll along, nor a playground where your friends can hang out. There won't be any get togethers anymore. Well sure, there'd be a lot of convenience in our part: mall is around the corner, we can party all night since we live in the area, can hang out anytime, anywhere. Still, I would never feel "at home". After some time, it will be owned and redesigned by someone else. Its sadder than leaving your own house, the structure that you truly owned and grew up in. Well, the point is, last Monday I asked my dad about the plan, he just said that from 60-40, it became 5-95. Meaning, no more condo! That's great really! Knowing that, I just felt good about everything. Then came our group interview with Ms. Josie Lantin, Mr. Gus Rodriguez, etc. Its a "feel good" experience. It made me feel confident and somehow, "intelligent", though I know I can only do so much. Then on the 11th, we went to Hubert's place. We hung out. We pigged out! There, I've said it! Hmmm..what else? Then just last night, actually a few hours ago (since its just 2:22 am, Sunday) we checked out the open house again because my parents are now considering the other condos at eastwood. Oh yeah, the first option was liveable/livable on march 2006, that's next year. The one they are considering now is liveable/livable on 2009, which is for me, better than the 2006 one because I've graduated already by then. I don't need to look for "my own space" when doing a project or something academic. And by that time, my sisters would be married and have their own homes in Alabang or in Corinthian Gardens or in Laguna or in Makati. But come to think of it, I don't want to be separated from my sisters. I won't have any blouses or pants or bags to borrow anymore, nor any "pasalubongs" when they arrive from work or from out of towns. It would only be me and my parents. Gosh. Time flies to fast, don't you think? And now I can feel my eyes getting heavy because of the tears I'm trying to stop from falling. Heck. Anyways, we checked it out, the openhouse I mean, and my parents suddenly wanted the 2006 again! This time it would be a one-bedroom condo, which can be turned into a 3-bedroom, its magic! My mom's actually good in those kinds of stuff, maximizing space and all that! Hmmmm...Since my dad and mom are leaving on the 16th of this month, my mom will check the availability of the condo unit when she gets back on april. They were saying something like "if para saten talaga, saten..." She was talking about the unit. So, if she went home on April and there's still an available unit, then its a "GO". From 60-40, to 5-95, the status of my parents' decision is now 70-30, in favor of the PRO condo. So by 2006, its gonna be either Filinvest or Orchard something. Tomorrow, errr, later I mean, late breakfast, we'll go to Market Market or Megamall to start looking for condo stuff. haay! I've been telling my parents that "ayoko...." or "pero pano papuntang sku?", may sagot dad ko dun, hatid niya ako. "pano yung mga damit namen?dito nga lang hindi na magkasya kasya, hindi naman pwedeng magbawas ng damit dahil sila office people, ako no uniform ang school", that's what i silently told my sister, and she just smiled then agreed with me. I'm still looking for some CONS in living in a condo, but then, sentimentality would not be enough to convince my parents. The ideas I'm presenting is like that of a murder case with no proofs. You know something, because you just know it. Others can't feel and don't think the way you do, so its hard to make others understand. Hmmm....Well, "if para samen talaga yun eh, eh di wala na akong magagawa..." yun na lang muna siguro... I'm neither hoping for the condo, nor wishing it to not push through. I'm just gonna wait, for now. Let's see what happens. A lot of things can happen in 2 months. My parents' minds could change, or people would start buying condo units, or we find a better condo arrangment, I don't know. For now, I'll study hard, do my own thing! YEAH!
very well said Lizzette.... very well said.....
gusto niyo makakilala ng patapon?
patapon sa acads? patapon sa lahat?
AKO!
*bow*
ano ba iyan?
FUXA!
wala akong masabi...
basta sa ngayon...
i'll try to reverse it...
hopefully maging successful...
sana matanggal na yung pagka patapon ko diba?
sana lang talaga!
ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY!
goodluck saken!
its pretty useless to write this past few weeks...
i dunno...
is it useless? or is it because i just lost the inspiration and the motivation to think and write about it?
in school... its either i'm reading, or i'm oftenly quiet...not quiet quiet as in silence all around..
its just that i don't joke around as much as i did before...
i don't laugh and smile as i did before...
why?
what happened to me?
i lost something, but then why did i have to lose myself on the way of losing that something..
i should actually be celebrating now coz finally im free of the worries and the hassles...
but then again...
i guess i wasn't ready to let go....
or maybe, i should just share these emotions to others...
but who'll listen?
who'd actually care?
i might sound like a broken record saying things over and over...
i would just want to save my friends from the "hassle" of hearing such things....
oh well...
i can't even write a serious reaction paper on paradise lost or on "three seasons"....
not even a simple reflection paper for english..
i hate this!
I FREAKING HATE THIS!
