SLOW DANCE
ang bilis.
its already past midterms week,and the finals week is fast approaching.
everyone's so demanding (in a way that they have this invisible force and influence on you to MOVE FAST,THINK FAST,ACT FAST)i don't think i can handle that.and i don't think i can handle such a fast transition from slow-FAST-SLow.
it gets confusing some time.
I have grown to love flag football, especially the team.
we've had our issues.
people had issues about us.
still, we were together.
i'm one of the new people there, though not really,but i have to say that i felt really at home being and playing with them.
and now,a choice has been made: not to join the upcoming season/tournament.
its just sad.
i really loved the pressure of balancing flag training and schedule with org stuff and academic stuff.
but now that there's no more schedule and training to balance along with my other stuff, i just felt like there's been this SUDDEN BREAK/STOP in my life.
from the pressure to RUSH, to ACCOMPLISH and to FINISH, to a sudden loss of force and influence.
it didn't only make me feel sad, it made me feel incapable.
it feels like i did something wrong, and that's why things have ended this way.
we all agreed not to join the tournament anymore, but still, i felt like i was incapable of inspiring them to GO BACK and COMMIT again to that one thing we shared and loved to do.
but then, when you dig deeper into my soul and mind, i think there's so much more into why im feeling responsible for everything.
so much more in what i'm not saying here.
i'm actually in denial.
i say to myself that id rather go slow, so i'll be able to enjoy my life more.
but really, i want to just keep on moving.
i want to be doing something all the time.
i want to play in the tournament.
i want to feel that rush and panic in trying to balance everything.
WHY?because then, i won't have the time and luxury to even think of why im so alone.
i feel responsible for everything around me, coz i simply can't take and accept responsibility of my own failures and frustrations.
and though i desire to have a light and easy life, it will never be the life i enjoy.
it will never satisfy me.
it will only keep me wanting and hoping.
but when i actually get that chance, i suddenly find myself uninterested.
and i sort of have a dilemma right now.
just like that.
i don't know if i like this person only because i think he likes me,
or maybe i really do like him.
and there's this other person, who i think i just like because he's a really great person, intelligent and well... good looking... or maybe, i really do like him.
i don't know which is just because of flattery, or for a hope in getting a "good catch".
i don't know if its what i really like/want, or if its just something that boosts my esteem, or dream of finding the perfect match.
HAAAY.
no matter how hard i try to take things slow.
no matter how hard i try to relax, there'll always be SOMETHINg bothering me.
always something to make me cry.
always something to make me say to myself, " i don't deserve it."
always something to make me think that i'm not (at all) worthy of even having them.
soo, is it just me? or my life just freaking suck?
==emo==
