where to?

alone and lonely, again

12 November 2004 2 comments

I'M NOT ALONE, BUT THEN WHY DO I FREAKING FEEL LONELY?
It's not everyday that I feel so comforted and just HAPPY.
Today is one of those days. I freaking feel so alone! better yet, lonely. It's like there are a lot of people around me, and yet, I really can't talk to them about life, about issues of life, and love maybe. Today is one of those times that I'm just missing my friends. If only I can call them up one by one and invite them to just hang out, chill out, and just be there, at that very moment, somewhere quiet and where there's a clear view of the night sky. I would look selfish and self-centered if I just kept on ranting on how I miss them, but hey, I really don't care anymore. I'm once again depressed because I can't seem to find the right people for me to talk to/with. FLUTO people: all busy and one is in California. I don't actually like to talk, i usually listen when it comes to serious sharings, but being able to very personal thoughts coming from people you trust, its a feel-good experience. I miss just staring at the wall or the people passing by and juts by looking at them(my friends), we already know what we're saying to each other.We're pyschic, only thing is, we're really not. Its already the 2nd sem of 1st year in college, and I still am not able to adjust to the new people around me, and the college life itself. When I entered college, its not only the "college"(the school and people I mean) that changed, everything. Before, I didn't care about anyone(not in a negative way). I mean, I used to be happy with just me, and my friends of course. Now, I feel like I've become desperate. I've felt more frustrated and disappointed at myself. I'm hating myself again. I wish I could just go to a friend's house and just sit on her bed and just cry. Let it all out, and maybe, I'd feel a little better. My friends rarely saw me crying. I really don't like the showing of affection and sh*t, but now, I'm regretting not doing it before, because now, I can't help and take it anymore.I'm happy, but there's a bigger part of me that is depressed. So one would say then that "you're depressed". But that's not as easy as it looks. I'm happy, I'm also depressed. I can go and have fun, but most often times, I'm depressed. Do you get it? Do you even freaking understand me? This is all useless! It's not making me feel better!