It was a saturday night, people were hanging out and just chilling. I looked up the moonless sky and just started thinking. Why was I even there? I invited myself there, and the people there was just going on with their usual lives, smoking, drinking, laughing. More than a year ago, the whole scenario is the same, and my presence there just didn't make any difference. Why did I even bother staying there? Fine, I have friends there too, but what was I doing there? The answer: I WAS WAITING FOR A MIRACLE. Maybe, the 7 months of my wait would finally be over and I don't know, some miracle would just hit us and I don't know. In the last 7 months, I've been crying myself to sleep, I've been telling myself to just be patient and just go with the ride, and I've been bugging my friends on how to just "detach" myself and not get all-too-serious about something that's really not there. I was waiting in vain, and honsetly, I'm getting tired. I don't see myself growing from this love. I don't see myself having no worries and problems, 'coz in fact, I've become more "uneasy" in the past 7 months compared to my paranoid history. Going back... I suddenly realized that I no longer have to wait. I can actually just feel indifferent. Feel numb. If something happens, then great. If nothing happens, great too. I really don't care anymore. At least, I know now how far my heart could go, and how long it could wait and continue on crying. THis is a real test, of being able to let go or staying. Some say that its harder to let someone go because you have to go through all the WHAT IFs and REGRET of this life, but I have to disagree. In staying, you're only killing yourself. You're not letting yourself explore and grow. But if you let go(let's change that, coz I'm really not yet letting go,I'm just gonna care less), if you cared less(and will soon end up on letting go), you'd have a lot of choices. There's greater room for you to find yourself OUT THERE. You'd be able to live life. If he goes after you, then great, if he doesn't, then great too, because if you waited for him, then you just wasted a great deal of your time. Right? I did my part, now let fate/destiny do its part. Finally, I'm not scared of the WHAT IF's and the future regret I'd be encountering after I "cared less". I learnt a lot from the past 7 months. THis should actually be a sad entry, but it ended up to be otherwise. I'm not happy, but at least I'm not crying anymore. Although some would say, its better to hurt and find little joy, than not having/feeling anything at all, well, my answer to that is, life is long, life is too big to all be focused on this one small part, him. For now, I'm contented with this, though its really nothing, at least I have time for myself and to learn and realize more things about this life.
Liz
i changed the original layout picture,so, this one'sby me...shhhhh.
