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haay. wala lang.

Do you know the feeling that you get when you're just out of luck and there's no one to really cheer you on, and thus, you become really insecure and you put yourself down? Everything's doing quite well. I'm enjoying my school stuff. Could you believe it? I'm enjoying it more now. I used to love cutting classes because I hate getting up early in the morning. But surprisingly, after a week of no late, cuts, not a even a morning that I didn't feel like getting up, I actually liked, loved even, the feeling of going to school. In addition to the routine of school, I felt pretty good when I came to class prepared. So why then, do I have this feeling of self-doubt and insecurity?
Hmmm. Maybe stress is getting to me. I am now regretting the times I cut in my classes, or the free time I wasted, or the money I spent on useless things, or the advices I didn't welcome and do. Hmmm.

There isn't any one specific thing that's making me this way. I'm just scared. Scared of everything. Of the future that I might not find a stable job, or a job that I REALLY LIKE, or something. I'm scared of failing, of not being able to do what I think I could have done. Of not keeping up with everyone's expectations and success. Or worse, not keeping up with my own expectations and not achieving anything at all. Oh yeah, one more thing, I also don't want to grow old not finding my "place". I'm not talking about finding my purpose or something, but the very thing, skill, or talent that I can/will offer the companies (fine, the world).

Dr. Mendoza, our teacher in Sci.10, told us before that science, or discovery/invention (i forgot which one it is) is like serendipity - its when readiness and opportunity meets. I'm basically scared of not finding my way to that point where my readiness and the world of opportunities meet.

We're getting really old. Imagine, I'm actually concerned about my future/career. Before, we talked only of things that doesn't really affect us. Now, we talk about anything and everything that moves around us because they affect us even in the littlest ways.






i have already wasted 4 dvd-rs in attempt to burn these tv shows for my dad.i had 1 success so far.i'm hooked to downloading, and staying up 'til 430 in the morning to just finishing the download and watching it. thanks to PAOLA (im saying this in a sarcastic manner) for influencing me to watch Grey's Anatomy.and now, i'm hooked into it.well,after watching until 430am,i go to bed,and i get to sleep only when it's 6-630...imagine that!!! my 2nd sister already for work,my nephew was already picked up by his school service,and im still awake?!! such a freak lizet!!!

====================================

i spent my sembreak planning and hoping, but nothing have really happened yet.well, i went to the beach, with my blockmates. at least there's that. but i'm just sad because i had 2 attempts, plans actually, for my barkada, though they all weren't aware of it,because the planning ended even before it was actually done/complete. i was really looking forward to having lunch with them, see a movie i SOOO WANNA SEE (the prestige)..but it just so happens that they all have classes already...paola went ice skating... who else can i invite? almost everyone already saw the movie.... even my very DESPERATE PLAN, well sort of my last resort... didn't push through either...why? BECAUSE EVERYONE ALREADY SAW THE MOVIE... so how can i go through with my plan? well, my plan was to ask... simply ask... and then ask a follow up question... but i was not given the chance to ask again because the moment ended with the previous question... so how can i move forward? i'm not rushing into things, but maybe, JUST FREAKING MAYBE, i want to know... i want to figure something out... i;m just so tired of analyzing, of interpreting, of waiting, of thinking... and i'm tired of saying MAYBE and I DON'T KNOW... i want to be able to say that i like someone..but i simply can't, because all i can think of is the POSSIBILITY and fact that that that someone is really likable... i may like him... i already like him,MAYBE...

=====================================

lately, i've been having weird dreams.all dreams are weird, right? in this one dream, i lived in this house made of plywood,and my lola lives with me.before that scene,i woke up in our car seated on the passenger seat,alone,and our car is in the middle of the road...i drove home...then in our plywood house,there were 6 scary men...i told my lola to run...the guys went after me,and with my swiss knife,i tried to cut this 1 guy,but he didn't even bleed..next thing i know,he's killing me,and i'm dead...

=====================================

the only reason i'm writing all these down is that im waiting for my 6th attempt of burning a dvd.and yeah,i want to read this over and over,because when i read something,or when i see something,whenever there are any visuals, i tend to understand more, and actually see more into the situation...so maybe by writing,i can figure out a way of how i handle and how i should handle certain situations...maybe i can stop saying MAYBE??



i have already wasted 4 dvd-rs in attempt to burn these tv shows for my dad.i had 1 success so far.i'm hooked to downloading, and staying up 'til 430 in the morning to just finishing the download and watching it. thanks to PAOLA (im saying this in a sarcastic manner) for influencing me to watch Grey's Anatomy.and now, i'm hooked into it.well,after watching until 430am,i go to bed,and i get to sleep only when it's 6-630...imagine that!!! my 2nd sister already for work,my nephew was already picked up by his school service,and im still awake?!! such a freak lizet!!!

====================================

i spent my sembreak planning and hoping, but nothing have really happened yet.well, i went to the beach, with my blockmates. at least there's that. but i'm just sad because i had 2 attempts, plans actually, for my barkada, though they all weren't aware of it,because the planning ended even before it was actually done/complete. i was really looking forward to having lunch with them, see a movie i SOOO WANNA SEE (the prestige)..but it just so happens that they all have classes already...paola went ice skating... who else can i invite? almost everyone already saw the movie.... even my very DESPERATE PLAN, well sort of my last resort... didn't push through either...why? BECAUSE EVERYONE ALREADY SAW THE MOVIE... so how can i go through with my plan? well, my plan was to ask... simply ask... and then ask a follow up question... but i was not given the chance to ask again because the moment ended with the previous question... so how can i move forward? i'm not rushing into things, but maybe, JUST FREAKING MAYBE, i want to know... i want to figure something out... i;m just so tired of analyzing, of interpreting, of waiting, of thinking... and i'm tired of saying MAYBE and I DON'T KNOW... i want to be able to say that i like someone..but i simply can't, because all i can think of is the POSSIBILITY and fact that that that someone is really likable... i may like him... i already like him,MAYBE...

=====================================

lately, i've been having weird dreams.all dreams are weird, right? in this one dream, i lived in this house made of plywood,and my lola lives with me.before that scene,i woke up in our car seated on the passenger seat,alone,and our car is in the middle of the road...i drove home...then in our plywood house,there were 6 scary men...i told my lola to run...the guys went after me,and with my swiss knife,i tried to cut this 1 guy,but he didn't even bleed..next thing i know,he's killing me,and i'm dead...

=====================================

the only reason i'm writing all these down is that im waiting for my 6th attempt of burning a dvd.and yeah,i want to read this over and over,because when i read something,or when i see something,whenever there are any visuals, i tend to understand more, and actually see more into the situation...so maybe by writing,i can figure out a way of how i handle and how i should handle certain situations...maybe i can stop saying MAYBE??



ang bilis.
its already past midterms week,and the finals week is fast approaching.
everyone's so demanding (in a way that they have this invisible force and influence on you to MOVE FAST,THINK FAST,ACT FAST)i don't think i can handle that.and i don't think i can handle such a fast transition from slow-FAST-SLow.
it gets confusing some time.
I have grown to love flag football, especially the team.
we've had our issues.
people had issues about us.
still, we were together.
i'm one of the new people there, though not really,but i have to say that i felt really at home being and playing with them.
and now,a choice has been made: not to join the upcoming season/tournament.
its just sad.
i really loved the pressure of balancing flag training and schedule with org stuff and academic stuff.
but now that there's no more schedule and training to balance along with my other stuff, i just felt like there's been this SUDDEN BREAK/STOP in my life.
from the pressure to RUSH, to ACCOMPLISH and to FINISH, to a sudden loss of force and influence.
it didn't only make me feel sad, it made me feel incapable.
it feels like i did something wrong, and that's why things have ended this way.
we all agreed not to join the tournament anymore, but still, i felt like i was incapable of inspiring them to GO BACK and COMMIT again to that one thing we shared and loved to do.
but then, when you dig deeper into my soul and mind, i think there's so much more into why im feeling responsible for everything.
so much more in what i'm not saying here.
i'm actually in denial.
i say to myself that id rather go slow, so i'll be able to enjoy my life more.
but really, i want to just keep on moving.
i want to be doing something all the time.
i want to play in the tournament.
i want to feel that rush and panic in trying to balance everything.
WHY?because then, i won't have the time and luxury to even think of why im so alone.
i feel responsible for everything around me, coz i simply can't take and accept responsibility of my own failures and frustrations.
and though i desire to have a light and easy life, it will never be the life i enjoy.
it will never satisfy me.
it will only keep me wanting and hoping.
but when i actually get that chance, i suddenly find myself uninterested.
and i sort of have a dilemma right now.
just like that.
i don't know if i like this person only because i think he likes me,
or maybe i really do like him.
and there's this other person, who i think i just like because he's a really great person, intelligent and well... good looking... or maybe, i really do like him.
i don't know which is just because of flattery, or for a hope in getting a "good catch".
i don't know if its what i really like/want, or if its just something that boosts my esteem, or dream of finding the perfect match.
HAAAY.
no matter how hard i try to take things slow.
no matter how hard i try to relax, there'll always be SOMETHINg bothering me.
always something to make me cry.
always something to make me say to myself, " i don't deserve it."
always something to make me think that i'm not (at all) worthy of even having them.
soo, is it just me? or my life just freaking suck?
==emo==

"i think that Ate (lizet) is just living up to the responsibility of being an adult now and being the one to take charge of things at home. i guess most of us are like that naman talaga. without (senior) adult supervision, we soon realize that we're able to handle things on our own."


this was exactly what i needed just now.
here's the story...

everyday i wake up at 5am to help AJ be ready for school.the night before, I fix his things (notebooks, books, bag he'll be using the next school day). When I get home, tired and exhausted, I make time to ask him what he did in school. ASk if he has any assignments. If yes, I help him with it. Usually, I ask him to write things over and over to improve his writing skills.

He's only 5 years old, surrounded by 7 year old kids, and he's left-handed.I read with him. I play games with him, in the computer or his other toys. I also try to make him solve simple addition or subtraction and make it into a game. Sometimes I ask him randomly for the spelling or the Tagalog/English translation of words. Its fun, and fulfilling. I love AJ. Before, we used to be like Tom and Jerry(according to my sister, AJ's mom), but that changed. Now that my 2nd sister and aunt usually goes home late, I'm left with all the other stuff that needs attention at home. My lola stays at home, watches TV with Cj(3 yrs old), and sew in her machine.I basically talk or discipline AJ when something happens. So far, there's improvement. He stopped being aggressive, no more punching, etc.

He's a really good boy. Very friendly too. AJ's really growing on me.Im always worrying about him when other kids won't talk to him even when he's already being friendly to them, or he's always a part of the stories I tell my friends in school.

i give aj his milk, dress him up so he's ready to sleep.So basically, ako nagpapatulog sa kaniya, always.Sometimes I sing to him, sometimes, i just talk to him.

Being the one left to do all the other work at home, i get tired. I have my own stuff to do, and sometimes, im already tired to do anything.So its hard.My other friends don't know this responsibility I have so they really can't understand me when I say certain things.and I guess, that's what triggered my frustration. That's what made me break down.And because of that, my issues sprung out again. SELF-PITY. things like "im always the one being understanding, but when will i be the one who's understood?".

oh well, im grateful for Paola.if she hadn't responded, i would've invited this person to drink with me tomorrow, to get all sabog and all.Paola just said, "ok lang, basta wag lang magbibigti". something like that. haha. wala lang. ang galing lang how we are able to find the funny side of a low moment.THANKS AGAIN PAOLA.thanks also for my sister. because after crying my eyes and heart out, for more than 3 hours already, i checked my mail and i read her email.It was really encouraging.She gave the very acknowledgement and appreciation I was (kind of) looking/waiting for in this LOW MOMENT of mine.I know I shouldn't expect for an acknowledgement, but i BROKE DOWN. its not like i can tell myself to not CARE. well, maybe, just maybe, its something i've been waiting for, for all these years, from everyone.

I always go unnoticed.I make no impact in anyone's life. OH WELL, IYAN ANG DRAMA!!!

i hope he can read this.
"is it wrong to care too much about everything and everyone? is it wrong to care for you? is it wrong to feel good knowing you care(even just as a friend)?is it wrong to be writing about you and for you?"

i think its not wrong. its just imperfect timing. its not good for me.

I LIKED YOU.I don't know if I still do.
I think I still do, but only difference now is that I know my place in your world. I'm a friend, I'm YOUR friend. At least I'm someone.

had a wonderful day.
well, its a saturday. a day usually spent on bumming around at home, i can say,
was a day well spent today.


around 7:30am, im already up, texting people about the reffing job we have a few hours
later. There was an 11am game, between Avengers and Team M. We didn't know that the
game was just a continuation of last week's game. Our game was cancelled because of
the weather conditions, they continued their game, but then, it rained hard, so they
had to call it a day, and that explains the continuation. DUH.


Team M won, my kabarkada Kate Chua was there. She played "LINe" well. Macho kid!
haha. then ayun. usap usap sandali. basta. the reffing didn't go so well, as always.
But it wasn't that bad, like the previous reffing we did for other teams.
Mae was head ref. At the start of the game she was already in a not so good mood,
and after the game, i can say that she wasn't in a good mood, at all. People
were just complaining to us about so many things, but hey, we complained to them
and they didn't do anything. That's just how things go! DEAL WITH IT. i mean, mae,
we and the rest of the girls can't see everything, so why do they have to really
take advantage of our ignorance... well,we know the game, just not THAT WELL...
but these are useless and baseless rants... Im just saying, STOP BLAMING US...


after that, we went home... my second sister and I are going to the gym, near
Sta. Lucia (at the brickroad)... and they actually have good equipments...
and the whole place... they have a studio like for aerobics or dancing, whatever..
and other stuff.. and its the same place where the spa is located.. its a place
i would go to, to burn out some fat and for massage... that is if I HAD THE MONEY...
my sister's paying P2,700 a month, but she can bring a guest, for free. and for today, im her guest... we used some basic gym equipments. then tried AERO-CYCLING..
ouch... we walked out after 5 mins.. we're just not into the whole cycling/biking
thing.. our legs hurt... then we tried BODY JAM.. that's where an instructor teaches
you these steps... he's actually good, and kinda cute.. but he's kinda trying a
little hard acting all Hip Hoppish or something... and i think he's gay..
I don't know... cute guys are usually gay.. i have nothing against that and them,
im just saying, i think he is...


after that, we met up with her BF (our neighbor) with the 2 kids (AJ my nephew, and
KENNETH our cousin). we saw OVER THE HEDGE. parking at robinsons metroeast was full.
as in FULL. we parked on the 7th parking floor, which was an open parking because
its at the rooftop. this is the 2nd time we parked there. the last time we parked
there was 2 summers ago (i think) and there was a sale, and there was no other
free parking area... oh well.. everyone's at the cinema house/s... watching
DA VINCI CODE... my sister saw it and she didn't like it... Dette, my blockmate,
saw it too, and she read the book before (way before the movie came out), and
she just said that the movie is different from the book.. just like all the other
BOOK-based movies... Well, I read DA VINCI last year, around November during sem
break, and I liked it! it was a page turner... i forgot how long it took me to
read it, but, i remember forgetting to go down for dinner....so i ended up
eating by myself.. oh well.. but i liked the book... though some said ANGELS AND
DEMONS is a better book.. well, i shall see... i haven't found anyone i can
borrow from... haha... what else?


After OVER THE HEDGE, we went home.. haha.. we arrived just what, 30 mins ago? haha...


well, that was my day.... i hope everyone's enjoying Euric's party..
i hope everyone's in love, happy, in dreamland, or just a happy state...



"it amazes me how a kid could fully understand the concept of people going away, and not be impatient in seeing them again. while some people complain about so many things when they should be the one who's composed and more understanding of the situation"

that's what i told my friend last night.
its not that i dont miss my family, i do miss them. but what i miss more is the time when we're all here, at home, in the same country. Now I have 1 sister left here, my 2nd sister and who's busy working but still tries to spend time with us(me and the kids, and my lola and aunt), and AJ (my eldest sister's son).

I'm just not used to taking control over things. Or sure, Im good with handling responsibilities, but not like this! One of the things na kailangan kong gawin ngayon is patulugin si AJ. Its really not as easy as it sounds/looks. ON a weekend, madali lang yun. Pero what if I have to study for a major test, or if I need to go out? It only means that I won't go to my night gimik, and Im gonna have to study late at night after AJ's asleep. I like having AJ around, and CJ(my 3-yr girl cousin), but sometimes, I just want people to see that "HEY, IM BUSY WITH SOMETHING, I NEED SOME HELP?!". And being the big complainer that I am, I cant help but say that Im not getting all the help I want.

There I go again. Being a selfish and self-centered one! Its just, I've been used to having my mom or other sisters around to discipline AJ, take care of the groceries or other house stuff that I can have my own plans, etc. Now, I just can't have that. Well, im being overdramatic. I can go out and stuff, but then, I have to think of so many other things first before I decide on a plan.

To make things short, I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP YET. But I guess, I'm gonna have to.
I just hope, someone would be willing to help me by trying to make me smile/laugh or to simply make my day. But I guess, the people we want for that job, aren't always the most willing and able for the job. Sometimes, those people come too late, when you've already fallen apart. I just hope he comes before I become my old cynical and depressed self again.



SILENT HILL.


im a fan of Silent Hill (the game). As in. I loved (I actually still do) the effects, and the intriguing story. Story? what story?
OK. Ilalabas ko na kung gaano ako ka loser. Haha.


I finished the game, right? Sa ending part, shempre may credits, and stuff. Then, the whole "cast" was shown one by one, with their names, of course. Then, I read this name, which made me think... and say, WHAAAT? Hmm. Here's what I saw. You know Alessa diba? and all the story of the Father (I forgot their names na..haha) and his daughter, then his wife was left at home. Sa start ng game, may video, introduction blah blah.. wife ng guy(father) yung girl na nasa bed na may sakit. And that person, had the same surname as Dahlia's, which was Gillespie.Eh diba the story was they(the sick mom and the dad) found their daughter somewhere lang and so they adopted her. My question is, anong significance nung mother diba? I mean weird! Waah. Parang it remains a mystery. Tapos i searched for it sa ibang sites, meron nga rin ng same observation, pero wala na. Hanggang observe lang. NOthing useful.


So lalalala... After that, medyo months, or a year pa ata... Nalaos na PS1. Sobrang sikat ng PS2. wala kaming PS2. FINE! pero yung neighbor namin na pamilya.. haay! introduction muna ulet.


VELASCO FAMILY (neighbor)
mrs. velasco --->friendly friends ng mom ko
eldest sister-->friendly friends ng 2 eldest sisters ko
eldest brother--> BF ng 2nd sister ko, 8th anniv na nila this May 16.
younger sister-->2 years younger saken, we used to be playmates, nung "nene days" pa.
younger brother-->playmate din..


so basically, medyo close kami sa neighbor namin nga.. tapos may bagong 2 pamilyang lumipat lang last year..tssss... panggulo.. solo namin dati yung BUONG STREET EH.. boo! ngayon wala na! haha..


anyhoo, si Kuya Irving (the BF), would lend us their PS2 minsan. haha. And ako, talagang napabili ako ng SILENT HILL 3 na game, for PS2, malamang. haha. tapos ayun. natapos ko ulet yung game. lalalalala.


IBA PA RIN YUNG SILENT HILL na una. waaaah!
then the movie came. weeks ago, months ago, nangungulit ako kay DINO about the trailer.tapos yun nga, weeks ago, DSL na kami, after 3 months of waiting, i downloaded the trailer, and FOTA! wala lang. shempre, ang daming napansin na details... "UY, YUNG STORY PARANG SA 1ST NA GAME, PERO GINAWA LANG MOTHER YUNG KASAMA, INSTEAD OF DAD..." and lots of other comments about the game and the movie. ASTIG! as in, detalyado!


some people saw the movie, and they didn't really like it. Well, I liked it, but more of the appreciation talaga nung mismong PRODUCTION, coz its hard to "copy" the game. astig yung "snow effect". haha. pati yung lakad at takbo ata ni Cybil Bennett (err, check spelling). Haha. wala lang! Para nga pala siyang brokeback person.. haha.. joke.. the story's a bit different, shempre, pag movie, dapat medyo may exagerration. Si timi na-sad sa ending.


This is a lousy blog entry, and a lousy review of Silent Hill... but I don't care! Haha! I like it! Waaah! STATISTICS LONG TEST LATER. And whoops, hafta cram a paper. Haha.


*still thinking where our pictures from last saturday will come out* METRO (Sport) ?



( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
( ) White Noise
(1) White Oleander
(2) Anger Management
(3) 50 First Dates
(4) Jason X
(5) Scream
(6) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(7) Scary Movie
(8) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(9) American Pie
(10) American Pie 2
(11) American Wedding
(12) Harry Potter
(13) Harry Potter 2
(14) Harry Potter 3
(15) Tomb Raider
(16) Resident Evil
( ) Resident Evil 2
(17) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(18) The Italian Job
( ) The Village
( ) Donnie Darko
(19) Lilo & Stitch
(20) Finding Nemo
(21) Finding Neverland
(22)13 Ghosts
(23) Signs
(24) The Grinch
(25) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(26) White Chicks
(27) Butterfly Effect
(28) Thirteen going on 30
(29) I, Robot
(30) Dodgeball
(31) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
(32) Bridget Jones Diary
( ) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
(33) Along Came a Spider
(34) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(35) Never Been Kissed
(36) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet The Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(37) A Cinderella Story
(38) The Terminal
(39) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(40) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(41) Final Destination
(42) Final Destination 2
(43) Amityville Horror (Original)
(44) Halloween
(45)The Ring
(46) The Ring 2
( ) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(47) Practical Magic
(48) Chicago
(49) Idle Hands
( ) Ghost Ship
(50) Hellboy
(51) Secret Window
(52) I Am Sam
(53) The Whole Nine Yards
(54) The Whole Ten Yards
(55) The Day After Tomorrow
(56) Child's Play
(57) Bride of Chucky
(58) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
(59) Gothika
(60) A Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Bad Boys
(61)Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(62) Se7en
(63) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Sin City
(64) Identity
( ) Lone Star
(65) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(66) Alien Vs. Predator
(67) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(68) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(69) ET
(70) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' Daughter
(71) Maid in Manhattan
(72) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
(73) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(74) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Being John Malkovich
(75) High Fidelity
( ) Sideways
( ) Finding Julia
( ) Maria Full of Grace
(76) Mars Attack
( ) Without a Paddle
( ) Milk Money
( ) Event Horizon
(77) Ever After
(78) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(79) X-men
(80) X-men 2
( ) Jeepers Creepers
(81) Jeepers Creepers 2
(82) Catch Me If You Can
(83) The Others
(84) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(85) Cruel Intentions
(86) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) Cruel Intentions 3
(87) The Hot Chick
(88) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(89) Old School
( ) Ray
(90) The Notebook
(91) K-Pax
(92) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(93) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(94) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(95)A Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
(96) Eternal Sunshine Of a Spotless Mind
(97) Hitch
( ) Back Door Sluts 9
(98) The Fifth Element
(99) Star Wars Episode I
(100) Star Wars Episode II
(101) Star Wars Episode III
(102) Star Wars Episode IV
(103) Star Wars Episode V
(104) Star Wars Episode VI
(105) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming With Sharks
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(106) Sound of music
(107) The Parent Trap
( ) The Burbs
( ) SLC Punk
(107) Meet Joe Black
( ) Wild Girls
( ) Clockwork Orange
( )The Order
(108) Spider-man
(109) Spider-man 2
( ) Amelie-->mapapanuod palang.aha
(110) Mean Girls
(111) Shrek
(112) Shrek 2
(113) The Incredibles
(114) Collateral
(115) The Fast and the Furious
(116) 2 Fast 2 Furious
( ) Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow
( ) Closer
(117) The Sixth Sense
(118) Artificial Intelligence
(119) Love Actually
(120) Shutter
(121) Ella Enchanted
(122) Princess Diaries 1
( ) Princess Diaries 2
( ) The Graduate
(123) Constantine
(124) Million Dollar Baby
(125) Mallrats
( ) Party Monster
( ) Detroit Rock City
( ) The Goonies
( ) Y Tu Mama Tambien
( ) Pulp Fiction
( ) Wet Hot American Summer
( ) Crash--->gusto ko rin mapanuod
(126) Empire Records
(127) Notting Hill
(128) Pretty Woman
(129) Pirates of the Caribbean

astig. yung iba lumang luma. astig. haha. wala lang. im bored. back to summer school mode. adios.



FRIDAY.
i got to hang out with Alyssa, Frankie and Timi, but only for a little while, I had to go home before 9. Its an unsaid rule, but I wouldn't want to wait for my mom to tell me so. My dad's home for 3 weeks (or 4) so every day is spent at home, or with family. I left at around 8pm.
I slept early because I was already up by 5am. Before I got to "really sleep", I got this message from nico regarding the next day's game. The message was just about him not making it to the game to coach us. It's totally fine with me, I can lose in every game/match over and over, but the fact that we simply don't know what to do is hard to face and accept, again, and again.

SATURDAY.
we arrived at xavier around 12noon.
The guys' game was still on 1st half. Griffins were against the Arrowheads. In their last game, the latter won with 70 pts. That's equivalent to 10 touchdowns and 10 conversion points. There weren't enough guys. On their next game, a few only showed up. And when they needed to ref this one game, NO ONE showed up. As in NO ONE!

So for our game, we were against Team M. THey are the women's champion. Yeah, they're fast and good. They're not like the Rogues who are like tall and all macho, but they've got SKILLS and a great coach (Paul Le). Oh yeah before I forget, Chris and Lou coached us. Flakey gave tips to our line people and to me, like when scrambling or looking for open receivers, or just about taking my time. I tend to rush myself that's why I often make bad passes. Those bad passes are usually short, thus, the opponents are able to intercept it, catch the ball and run it. There's this one girl from Team M, the half of the Manalo Twins, I don't know who's who, so she's just gonna be named GIRL.

Strike 1: I don't remember if I'm playing qb or safety but I was running to the left side of the field.Oh, I'm offense here. I think I threw the ball, I rolled out left that's why I was already going to the left side, then suddenly I felt someone push me at the back. I went down, faced down. My palms really hurt.I kinda shouted, "hindi ba pushing yun?!!!!!" I repeated it a couple of times, then no ref called it, then she comes with the "naninindak na face". She was trying to explain that it wasn't pushing, lalala...and i just said "asking! just asking!" Stupid for me to say that! Halatang nasindak ako. Katakot eh. Besides, they were all so serious. So fine, let's just make fun of what happened to me and oh yeah! Let's just laugh at Liz!

Strike 2: We were kicking for the special teams. Is this start of 2nd half or just a fourth down? I don't remember. I was beside Krissie, I think. Team M caught the ball and so I was after that girl who caught it. I was about to reach for the girl's flag and actually DEFLAG her, then there SHE goes. She pushes me really hard on my left shoulder. I fell down, AGAIN! ouch. So okay! That was a legal block. I think. But ouch, that hurt!

Strike 3: The twins were both playing D line. They crashed and went on my side and I got "pancaked". Line people should be pancaked, but unfortunately, I got pancaked. They were supposed to go for my flag LANG, but I don't know why I felt weak after that down. Oh yeah, they hit me really good. Both of them.

Strike 4: I was qb again. I threw the ball short. The ball was for lani, or marion or marga. I forgot. Haha. Then, SHE caught the ball. Then she ran the ball, no one got to her, so I just ran, followed her direction. Imagine two lines drawn, one is horizantal(me) and the other vertical (her) and when those two lines meet, they make a right angle, a letter L, a corner of a square. Thank God! I deflagged her! She wasn't happy about it. I gave her flag back, I smiled,and I didn't get any smile or whatever. So that was fine.

It's just a game, I told myself. We get hurt. We lose, others win. We win by having fun. We win by learning things about ourselves. We win by not thinking of losing and then giving up.

Did my last sentence make any sense?
I don't know what's happening to our team.
There were the guys' team.Then a girl's team was formed.Then there was ONE BIG TEAM.Then there were 2 Griffin entities.Then, we dont know when, there'll be only one entity, or none at all. No Griffins anymore.....? I don't know.



I want to play, end of story.
GRIFFINS BOWL 2005, Lingayen Pangasinan.
It was super fun.
Where did all the fun go?
















EMOTIONAL.

i don't know if i have the right at all to be ranting about this or if i am just being irrational right now and acting like a bad friend, but i feel disappointed in the friendships i have(or just some chosen people?) haha. well, its not like i hate them or anything, its just that, i feel like my efforts in staying friends with these people are being taken for granted. well, ignored even.i used to have this thinking that if somebody doesn't want to be around you, then act the same way they're treating you or acting around you; act as if you don't want to be around them too. But, I know that shallow and insecure people think that way, and i admit to my being insecure. But, I changed that thinking into a more positive and "friendly" thinking. im really open to the idea and possibility that you give even the least importance to OUR friendship, but sometimes, i can't help but doubt it, you.

maybe this is just my emotions taking over, or something.
i love my friends, but sometimes i think that they don't appreciate that. and sometimes i think that the love isn't reciprocated.
*HINDI ITO LOVE ISSUE BLAH BLAH, FRIENDSHIP ISSUE ITO, OKAY?*



PAGOD NA AKO MAGHANAP NG LAYOUT NA I-EDIT KO...

parating panget yung kinalalabasan... i need to REALLY learn how to make my own layout... but HOW? WHEN? WHERE?

self discovery nanaman ba ito? OH WELL.

my body's sore. we lost to Rogues, score was 33-0. they had 5 touchdowns, and 2 conversion points.... yeah!







uhhh.
here we go again! sabog-ness! haha

so okay, napaka gandang GOOD MORNING! ano at baket?
nagref lang naman kanina! alam naman nating lahat na WALA KAMING ALAM SA pagREF.
ang game pa ay ARROWHEADS (dlsu team) vs. ROGUES. sobrang ang daming conflicts...

tapos sa 2nd half, nagkakainisan na both teams dahil sa mga illegal na ginagawa nila na hindi namin makita, thus, NO CALL / PENALTIES... at the same time, asar na asar na samin... both teams even said na YOU BETTER TEACH YOUR REFs....

uhhhh.... so okay.... sobrang nakakababa ng morale... its the 2nd time i had to ref, and experience doesn't help..... it just keeps getting worse and worse... but hey! we learnt something new! JUST DO / SAY IT WITH CONVICTION... and so if you appeared to be a stupid little biatch? hey! just believe in what you think is / was right! if you didn't see the illegal block, then say, I DIDN'T SEE IT!!!! if you don't get the calls / penalties the teams are asking, you make your own call....... if its encroachment (on the side of the defense) or false start (on the side of the offense), then..... *long whistle* and say, ENCROACHMENT, OFFENSE GAINS 5 YARDS!!!!
when game time over, *LONG WHISTLE* and say END OF 1ST HALF! 5-MINUTE HALFTIME!!!!! basta! lahat sila galit na!!!!! the rules in the rule book weren't clear din kasi eh!!!

PERO SIGE! masaya pa rin!!!! im happy happy!!!! ignoring the insignificant THINGS in my life....

and paola's right....... "stop staying with lower immature ones"

haha! kung sinuman ang mga lower immature ones na yun.. its hard to tell....haha!!!!

HAPPINESS.yessss.
"i never really wanna feel, like i did that day....">>actually, like kanina... pressure, tension, stress, low self-esteem....





so okay.
come on.
wala lang.
ewan.
or something.
whatever.
(something serious) .... lalala....
fudge!
fota..
labo...
ang sabog ko...
SORRY...


-->ang aking mga hilig sabihin o kaya'y isulat...
i just realized, napaka senseless kong tao..
OK lang, cute naman ako eh...KIDDING!



mukha ba akong guy diyan sa picture? sorry ah!
so wait lang.gusto ko lang 'tong pic nato kasi mukha raw akong guy diyan. and ang cute kaya nung picture...with the hair pa, tapos yung facial expression... it was as if "pinag-isipin" yung shot... not really, pero gets? sobrang kakagising lang niyan...wala...i'm just happy right now...


okay, since happy ako tapos masaya ring gumawa ng lists, or mag enumerate (ehem, ang dami sa psych eh!bad trip)
me = happy...

1. kasi nakasama ko ALYSSA last saturday.yihee.i miss our talks dati.kabastusan pero matino.haha.
2. hindi dahil sa isang inspirasyon or isang special someone.. tsss.. yun naman ang hindi saken uso.. yeah, i get depressed foine, EMO over some people.. pero yung happy HAPPY? nah.. basta now, happy dahil sa LAHAT NG MGA TAO.. this is my call: so if anyone out there is willing, pero medyo unable dahil baka nahihiya kayo.. HAHA.. kidding ulet.. asa... (LIZET ANG LABO MO!)
3. kasi tapos na finals! almost. still haven't studied. fota. oops! ehem. basta.
4. kasi over na ako sa stage of depression.
5. kasi nakilala ko si sir kirby. HAHA.kidding. isa siyang sabog pero astig na teacher.at feeling ko akala ng iba naming classmates ay crush ko siya.. IM SORRY, pero hindi talaga... mas trip ko si sir mendoza... i like 'em old... KIDDING, again... pero seryosohan, kasi nakilala ko nang lubusan ang ilang mga tao...and i feel like a "friend" na talaga ngayon...they can trust me... and i trust them...
6. kasi im open to and excited on my NEW LIFE....labo again.. pero gets? im going back to the start.. pero ngayon, not to make the same mistakes dati... ehem, ilang beses ko na bang naulit.. HAAAY! ok, wait.. happy pala dapat...
7. and wala... naghahanap lang ako ng output for my weirdness...kasi yung FIL. final paper ko na 9 pages, kaninang 9am-2pm ko lang ginawa, i passed it ng 3:30pm. kaya ako masaya!haha

SERYOSO. weird ko na! ayoko na mag aral for psych. wala ba ulet tulugan 'to? or what?

im weird, and im happy...

ayun, ang significance pala nung picture ay eto... ang weird nung pic diba? and lets just say nagiging WEIRD NAKO ULET..kaya yeah! that's reason enough, for me, to be damn HAPPY AND ECSTATIC.. oooooh.... ecstatic? yun ba yung..may joke sana ako, pero ang hirap pala dito.. hindi magegets... its 11:35m i'll try to study... take note of the TRY.. low batt na rin itong laptop..yehey, na reformat na siya.. BAD TRIP ANG ADMU COMP. LAB. pag may nagpasabog nun, you can blame me..not because i did it, but because i hoped for it... pero sana walang masaktan..hahaha.... LIZ SHUTTING DOWN...zzzz...woops, aral pa pala ako... ADIOS!

entry:
POSTSECRETS.
ONLY ONE.


"LOOK AT THIS FRAGILE THING NOW....

I FEEL SO BROKEN UP, AND I GIVE UP...

JUST WANNA TELL YOU SO YOU KNOW...

HERE I GO.... TRYING TO GET TO YOU

YOU ARE MY ONLY, MY ONLY ONE..

I'LL LET GO..." - only one by yellowcard






wooshoo! sino naman si YOU? wala. yun na nga ang point eh. WALA. moving on. hala, ang bilis na. at least hindi na ako umiyak diba? pero eto, wala na akong naffeel for YOU.... kung sino ka man... i mean






1) we're friends. and ang saya mo maging friend...



2) you like someone else... and can i just say na bagay kayo..i mean ang cute niyong 2...astig... hindi 'to reaction formation or any psych thing...

3) emo 'to pero mukhang totoo naman eh, im not for that... whatever THAT is...





naaliw ako sa ginawa kong postcard with my secret on it.. well, hindi na siya anonymous kasi sinabi ko nang akin.. so anyhoo, here's the pic of it.. actually i made 3 (three) so ippost ko narin..haha.. para masaya! actually malabo pagkakakuha ko.. i tried editing it ng sobra.. pero wala...haha..

here's our title, whatever...basta yung harap ng exhibit...
(see picture at the beginning of the entry..haha)







1) ALWAYS TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT

















2) IN SEARCH FOR PASSION


















3) falling for a friend is URBAN LEGEND...but then...YOU made me fall...and...I FELL FOR YOU









no significance. i just like the song.
i'm feeling indifferent, again. back to my old self. but i still can't help but feel disappointed whenever you are not around.

broken wings
bleed the dream

in a dream i spent a day with you
in a carriage bought by blood
the clouds were singing songs of fear and loss
and they cut me down to size
and they cut me down to size

broken wings
have a home tonight
no one is listening, no one is listening
when darkness fell on the streets last night
we never expected, we never expected this

in a perfect world, i'd never know your name
and do we even know it when we die
or will death just pass us by?
or will death just pass us by?
please just pass us by

broken wings
have a home tonight
no one is listening, no one is listening
when darkness fell on the streets last night
we never expected, we never expected this

when all this pain is justified
while all the time is passing by
now is when we clench our fists
knowing we can fight through this
the hours and days are gone
the weeks and months are moving on
can't they see that's nothing gonna stop us now

broken wings
have a home tonight
no one is listening, no one is listening
when darkness fell on the streets last night
we never expected, we never expected this

broken wings
have a home tonight
no one is listening, no one is listening
when darkness fell on the streets last night
we never expected, we never expected this

broken wings
have a home tonight
no one is listening, no one is listening
when darkness fell on the streets last night
we never expected, we never expected this
We never expected this...



OOOOh GAbi...haha









eto kami dati......
Block R COMTECH 2008

whew. a lot's happened in, what?, 2 years. Wooooh. Parang Sybil entry 'to ah. wala lang.
listening to the Scientist ngayon.... i'm going back to the start... awwww....
nobody said it was easy.....
tama tama........










FEB. 11,2006

I woke up at around 6am. I really didn’t care if I’m gonna be late for my 8am thing in school, because after all, its just a recollection required to us by our professor, or the school. I don’t know. At the tryc station in the Mini Stop-Katip-Aurora Blvd. area, I got to share a tryc with an old lady (not woman, coz an old woman is old old, she’s just old). I let her in first. I know right? Early in the morning and I’m starting it with little “good” deeds. She thanked me, I smiled back. I kinda felt angelic in the few minutes I got to share the tryc with her. On the way to Ateneo, she asked me what I study in Ateneo and I politely answered her, always with a follow-up smile. She told me that she used to teach religion class in Ateneo. During her time, the “higher” people sort of “kidnapped” them by telling them to give more assignments and activities to the students. It was kidnapping because both the teachers and students were stuck in school doing what they had to do, STUDY. She talked about how during her time, Saturdays in Ateneo were basically an empty and quiet time, but things have changed. Saturdays are normal class days now. She said that it only shows how the enrollment had increased. I followed it up by saying how this raised enrollment rate effected to traffic and pollution not only in the Katipunan area, but even INSIDE THE CAMPUS. She agreed and she had this way of saying “Ah, yes yes.” Like that of Mr. Meynardo Mendoza’s way of saying it. It was funny but it was kind of calming. I don’t know why. She also shared with me why she had to stop teaching and why it was only now that she had been able to go back to Ateneo, not as a teacher, but a student again. Her reason was that her father got sick. She went back to their province to be a good child and to take care of the things that needed care. She’s studying and taking her masters, I think. I forgot where she’s from, but she kinda found it funny that we had the similarity of being from a far place that we had to travel far distances everyday just to get to Ateneo. After our short conversation, I went down to look for the ISO building. I got a little lost. And it was plain stupidity. The sign ISO was right there in front of the building, but NOOO. I had to walk around the other building. Haha. I climbed the flight of stairs. It was when I felt more lost and confused. I saw room 4 and 5. Where was room 3? There were so many people, too, who were in office or semi-formal attires. I was wearing what? Red jacket, faded blue jeans, and slippers. I’m lost and underdressed. I looked around and I found it, FINALLY. I entered the room and saw my classmates already settled in their seats. Mama Dette reserved a seat for me, so YEHEY for me. And so, the RECOLLECTION started.


It was funny. The best si Kat. “What are your feelings/emotions at this very moment?”
Kat: something like BORED and SLEEPY. “Why?”. Kat: IT’S USELESS. Something like that. Haha. Had a lot of funny moments. I’m thankful for my blockmates because they made the recollection memorable for me. Well, not really, but hey, I was able to enjoy it because they were there to make fun of me, and of each other. HAHA. We did this activity wherein we had to write little notes to 8 people. For them to be one of the 8 worthy people, I should have/had an experience wherein I saw Jesus or God(?) in him/her. Well, I meant everything I wrote down. I really can’t say much about the things I wrote and whom I gave the notes, because I can’t….HAHA… We also had MCDO lunch delivered, but we still ate and paid for the lunch served in the ISO cafeteria, simply because some dude ordered for it and didn’t pay for it. So we were all FULL. Wait, before I go on, I’m not sure anymore of what came first, the NOTE-WRITING activity or LUNCH. So anyways, I took pictures of the block while they were eating. It was a fun lunch. The only sincere adjectives I can say are FUN and FUNNY. I’m sorry, I have very limited vocabulary. HAHA. Well, it was really FUN! Haha. Moving on. Before we celebrated mass, we had confession first. I waited for 20 minutes to pass before I really decided to DO IT. Well, it’s been 3 years since my last confession, it was also in a recollection. 5 and 6 years back, I confessed and cried. My last confession was nothing serious. When I was starting with my confession, I heard my voice tremble, and seconds later, I felt my heart tighten a bit. Oh, I was crying. OH well, forget about that. I just felt really guilty. BASTA. Then after that, I felt sooooo LIGHT! I promise! Confession helped me a lot! We had mass, and I read the responsorial psalm part. After the mass, people started to leave. I was getting nervous and worried because I was off to my friend’s baby’s christening. There’s someone there I didn’t want to see because I didn’t know how I’d react. Bad memories. To make myself feel better and “busy” I took pictures, again, of my blockmates. KULIT. Then I changed my clothes. I’m a ninang so I had to look more matured and PRESENTABLE.haha. and partly because I wanted to look good.HAHA! because of my apprehension, mama Dette suggested, “Jun ihatid mo si mama Liz sa church pero kasama kami, tapos ibalik mo kami sa Katipunan.” Original plan was I’m just gonna ride a cab going to some place and my kada will just pick me up there. My blockmates didn’t approve of it. I got more “stressed” because they were saying, “SIGE. GO GO. IHATID NATIN SI LIZ.” For me, nakakahiya. DIBA? Pero in the end, they all agreed, and I’m grateful but still nahihiya. And like what the confession did to me, I felt really comforted and calmed. IMAGINE! I’m not gonna face HIM alone. Well, I have my kada there with me, but its different.


Going to the village where the christening was held, we were sort of laughing and just making jokes. It was like a road trip, but not really. I was laughing with them but I still felt a little nervous because I’m not sure if I looked pretty enough or something. I’m a paranoid person! YES! So this anxiety was pretty normal. haha. We arrived at the church. I went down the car to look for my friends, and they were there, waiting for me. My blockmates’ plan was to just drop me off. But when I went back to the richest boy’s car to get my bag, I asked them, “Ano, alis na kayo or gusto niyo pa pumuntang reception?” They said, KAHIT ANO.OK LANG. Haha. So OK. That meant: TARA.ROAD TRIP NA! Haha. We were all in Jun’s car, so he was driving. On our way to the other village and the reception, we saw this one vehicle that looked utterly familiar. OOOHHH! It was THE car of ……… Then my blockmates were saying OK NAMAN PALA EH, while one said, I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU LIZ. So OK. That part of my life was over. It didn’t matter if he looked good or not now. I liked him, true. But oh well. Past. Past. Past. At the reception, my blockmates , oooh, let’s name them…. Mama DETTE, JUN, VICTOR and DINO. They kind of crashed the reception. Haha. They wanted to leave, have dinner somewhere or something. They were making plans in front of me! So I was a bit envious that they can go out to dinner, while I’m gonna be left behind with all the issues. I introduced them to the baby’s mother, also my kada, and my kada sorta invited them to join us in the party. Of course, nahiya kaming lahat. Haha. They stayed na lang sa may playground. May benches and table dun. While I’m with my kada seated on the assigned table for us. There weren’t enough room so I went to my blockmates. We talked, and talked. They asked questions, and I just answered. Good thing I didn’t cry! That’s one thing I didn’t want to do in front of him, or anyone else, in that matter. It was good because the things I’ve been keeping were all gone because I’m guilt-free. I confessed, and I was able to accept, forget and forgive. One thing I needed all this time was to let go. I had to set free all my anger and guilt. And on that day, on that Saturday, all my weight was gone. I felt so light and HIGH. And my blockmates were there to witness it and experience it with me. I kept on telling them how light I felt; how happy I got for just being there in that very moment. We talked maturely. They understood me. I opened up to them. I have trust issues. Well, though I open up to people, there’s still a larger part of me I keep hidden. That’s how much I don’t trust myself and others, I guess. But at that moment, I felt like sharing my story to them. They were good listeners and they were such good friends to help me understand and analyze the situation. They made the conversation light and funny again. And I don’t know. I felt fortunate for being in that moment with these people. Of course, I was grateful for them, driving a long long way to drop me off. Even more grateful for staying there with me. Haha. Funny moments with Dino. He was hungry. At first he was one of those who wanted to leave because he didn’t want to crash the party, but later on, he was the one who can’t get enough of the free food. Haha. We love you Dino! You rock! Haha. Kain lang ng kain! OKAY? He became my boyfriend for 2 hours. Basta. Para lang sa pagkain.haha!


After that, my FLUTO kada left na, and my blockmates and I left din. They were off to the Fort. Party party. Ako, loser life. Haha. But not that loser life. We went back to Ateneo to get Dette’s car at the North Carpark. The trip, again, was soobrang patawa lang. And oh, si Jun, gusto kaming patayin. Haha. Basta. Anyhoo, tt was so dark, but nagpicture picture pa rin kami. Haha. Pinatong namin sa isang car na may katapat na lamp post yung digi cam ko, tapos on our 2nd picture, dumating may ari ng car, with his friends sa van. So lahat sila nakita kami. KAHIYA. Tapos ako parang nagsabi na lang ako, “guys, thank you sa car ah.” Tapos yung owner ng car, “Haha. Sige lang. *smile*”. MAJOR LAUGH TRIP! Haha. So yun. We went to Eastwood. Ate at fazoli’s walang kamatayan. Pero sige, masarap naman eh. Picture picture ulet. At si Jun and Victor. Ehem. Tripping. Basta. Kami na lang nakakagets. Haaay. Tapos si Cholo and Tracy susunod daw. Umikot ikot na lang kami sa Eastwood. Food trip, movie? Ewan. We can’t decide. And alam niyo kung saan kami nag end up? Sa arcades!!! Haha. Hindi kami nakapag House of the Dead 4, kahit 2 hindi. Coz may “umangkin” na. mag boyfriend yung isa, sumunod, mag ama ata. Haha. So nag air hockey na lang kami, tapos yung parang Humpty Dumpty na babatuhin. Then some other games. Ang saya ng AIR HOCKEY! Waaah! Tapos nag something punch ang guys. Victor, Jun, and I’m sorry, CHOLO, siya yung highest/strongest na hataw. Haha. SI Dino, yung pang bata version, yung maraming ippunch.haha. laugh trip ulet. After dun, ikot ikot, tambay, lakad lakad. Dapat stay sa condo ni Cholo sa eastwood, or coffee sa kung saan, pero wala, panira ako! Napaka Cinderella ko. Ate ko nag text na sakin, thinking na pinapauwi na ako. Pero kasi usually pag ganun, alam ko na ang kasunod. But the next morning yung 3rd sister ko sabi, “baket umuwi ka na agad? Tinatanong ko lang naman kung baket hindi ka pa umuuwe. Kung sinabi mong eh nagbobonding pa kaming blockmates eh, eh di OK lang sana.” BUT OH WELL. Tapos na eh. Nakauwi na ako. Diba? Pero sobrang fun nung night na iyon. Well, Medyo biased talaga ako. Pero kasi, part nung pagka happy ko eh because I was there and someone was there. Vagueness. Labo-ness. Haha. Pero Basta. I’m happy, (some parts deleted)

let's just say na WALA NA PALA IYANG "i was there and someone was there.."
haha! forget all that! I'M HAPPY NGAYON, simply coz I'M HAPPY!
---enjoying my independence... and the "unattached" feeling... basta, i tend to attach myself to things na hindi naman dapat i-attach ang sarili... like sa wall...sa email? LABO. haha.



so many good things have happened.
i can't even keep track of them.well LIZ,you shouldn't in the first place!
i'm pretty much done with the analyzing and emo moments. its tiring and draining. well, DUH lizet! no one told you to analyze?! no one said you needed to reflect on evry single detail or event of your day.
well, yeah, i knew that! but i can't help it. i keep myself busy.when i say busy, its BUSSSSSY. i became active in this org event i wasn't originally part of. i trained for flag football, as if there's gonna be no more other trainings. i studied for tests. i finished a book. im currenlty reading a new book.i'm watching tv.i rest and sleep.i never let an idle time pass. I MUST DO SOMETHING, EVERY SECOND,MINUTE,HOUR.
but even before my eyes close, my mind suddenly pushes a playback button of my day's experiences.
i see again these familiar faces. i feel again my anger, impatience, skepticism,ignorance,stupidity,and loneliness.these are enough to make your mind work again.these are enough to make me formulate new observations, theories about people, and conclusions. these are enough to hear myself crying again.
i have a friend.he told me it frustrates him when he sees someone cry.he feels like he needs to do something to help her/him.this made me think, which wasn't new at all.
why do i love to cry so much?is it because i find comfort in the fact that "i'm crying,and im letting it all out"?
or is it because i love the sympathy/attention i get from others?
i complain that no one seems to trust me with their depressing concerns,down moments,etc, when i can't even stop and control myself from my own life's drama.
this friend of mine.he kinda gave me an idea of how it is to be cried to.i wouldn't really know because i can count with my one hand the number of time someone cried to me.most of the time, im doing all the emo stuff.
i realized i have been selfish for keeping my own pains, then resorting to crying. then act as if people didn't try to care about and for me.

well.the flow of thought disappeared, so i really don't know what to say now.I'M HAPPY WITH MY DECISION. A or B? well, there's always a C. all of the above, and a D.NOTA (none of the above). i chose D.i don't want to think about it anymore. i'm tired of weighing.

well.i wrote this days ago, and after reading it again.. hmmm... well, same pa rin naman.. pero ewan... kala ko i can take back my choice, and go for B, but then again, bumabalik lang ako sa pagiging CONFUSED. so fine, sige. I'm back to letter D. NOTA.

HAPPY HEART'S DAY. i'm not bitter, i just want some balance. if some people are soooo damn happy today, then put all the depressing and sad emotions on me... its totally fine with me...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

i had a very tiring day. 1 long test in filipino 14 and another one right after filipino, in asian history. i haven't had enough sleep since sunday, after the two long tests, i was already tired and sleepy. at 11am, we attended our PE class, "arnis". then met up with our blockmates,and walked to the overpass tryc in front of jollibee and went to the LRT station. we went to gateway and we were originally planning to see a movie, but we all decided after like 30mins, that we'll just eat out because we didn't want to risk being late fo psych class and missing our PE class(though not everyone had PE or other classes from 11-12). i was really excited because i thought we were gonna see NARNIA. but oh well, there'll be some other time. anyhoo, we stopped at CIBO, hmmmm, then realized it was too expensive for us.... so then, we went to dencio's, at the araneta center.... then after eating, NIKO paid for our bills. yehey. kaya pala we stopped at cibo nung una. SAYANG! he was telling us before that he'd treat us one of these days. days ago, he also planned with our other blockmates of eating in CIrcles. again, its expensive and baka hindi ko masulit yung bayad ko. marami ako kumain, pero hindi bigla bigla. tipong evry hour kakain, hindi yung isang upuan lang. or something but then again, he might treat us again. haha! KIDDING. anyhoo, after that, we went back to katip, school, psych class. it was fun coz some of our blockmates havent commuted before, as in commute like walk sa streets, take a tricycle, take the LRT. haha.so anyhoo,it was fun. but then, come psych class, i was sobrang sleepy, usapang sleep and dreams and stuff.. wow... paparinig. and sakto, for the graded recitation, ako yung unang natawag, simple lang naman eh. pero every mtg kasi, he calls on 5 students and answer an easy minsan hard question. answer ko to my question was WERNICKE'S and BROCA'S area. the ones that are only found on the left side of the brain.
after that, i went home, slept at 5:15pm, woke up at 11pm. and so my drama begins.
AJ, my nephew, was watching tv, and so i hugged him tight sobra, and i watched na lang with him. and he had so many things to tell me, it was as if he waited for me all afternoon and night to come home, and then wake up. so i just listened. after this day, hearing him just talk and sound so fascinated by the show we're watching, i felt really relaxed. i can't explain it, but i was really really happy. HAPPY. haaay. then he told me he has a HW and so we did his HW.he's one bright kid. he's 5 yo and he passed grade 1. he reads well, though he has less experience and knowledge in problem solving, but he knows math na. gets? then i ate dinner, and i asked him to go to bed na. after the 2nd time i went and check him if he's sleeping, or even trying to sleep, i went to him and told him, "sabi ni mimi tulog ka na raw".
AJ:nagtext sayo si mimi? (he's aware that his mom's not here, went out of the country)
me: hindi po, sabi po niya bago siya umalis na patulugin ka namin para hindi ka na skeleton..hehe...
AJ: hehe... sasama na lang po ako sa kaniya....
so okay... dun na nagstart..... its really nothing.. its just that, i'm really close to my sisters..... tipong we go out ng kaming 4 lang. and i used to hate them, being the YOUNGEST, im the black sheep or the rebelde sa pamilya, and i kinda hated them for being RIGHT in everyone's eyes...so anyhoo......past na yun eh.... parang napaisip lang ako... after a year, or 2 years, uuwi na rin yung sister ko(actually isang sister ko rin with her BF susunod din dun after a few months), pero by that time.....i mean pag-uwi nila... i'll be working na siguro...and they'll get married na.,... so hey.... is it really goodbye for all of us?can't help it.. im sorry.... im becoming all dramatic again.....
i'm gonna miss those times lang when nakikipag-agawan pako sa internet, coz she's always talking on the phone...... or sa tv.. or pag pinapagalitan niya si AJ..not because gusto ko na pinapagalitan niya si aj, pero yung feeling ko na "haaay, stop na...." ..hehe.... and some other stuff..... oh well........ para akong nagblog kay dino kanina eh... so here it is...

dino dela rama :parang pagkatapos ng 2 long tests, at, sa kaso ko, accounting quiz, parang tama lang yung nag-dencio's tayo.
lizzettezamora ): well, mejo hindi pa tapos yung araw ko...lizzettezamora (1/13/2006 12:07:13 AM): never will be..
dino dela rama ): drama!
lizzettezamora no, kasi my eldest sis left na nga, with my mom.... sis ko, mga a year or 2 years pa bago magkita ulet...

lizzettezamora : eh si AJ, her son, andto.... pinatulog ko na and he just said "sasama na lang ako kay mimi" (mimi yung tawag sa mommy niya)
blah blah...
lizzettezamora: ............so 2 na lang kami matitira rito.. kaya para akong may sariling bahay ngayon eh.....dino dela rama : hala, inuman na 'to..
lizzettezamora : tinuruan ko pa si AJ sa HW niya.. you know.. mga little stuff na mas nagpapafeel sakin na WAAAA, im alone..
dino dela rama : aaw
lizzettezamora : tapos party bukas ni paola, and i cant go..tapos sobrang pinipilit na nila ako kasi "i'll be missed"...sobrang may maghahatid na sakin the next day...tapos wala... eh i cant go eh...
dino dela rama : wow, parang big sister role ka na ngayon sa bahay

ACTUALLY...... not big sister..... may mga kasama naman ako sa house, helpers, lola ko, aunt ko and baby cousin, nephew AJ, and so far 2 sisters pa.....tapos mom ko balik din in a couple of months, dad ko vacation niya na rin sa summer ata, then alis sila ulet ng mom ko.ksama ATA 3rd sister ko... so hmmmm...... LONELINESS, ikaw ba iyan? haha... sabi ng bf ng 1st sis ko (1st sis yung umalis), sadness nga eh.. well yeah, sad nga....(hmm, loneliness again? is it this year's theme? haha)

tagal na since umiyak ako because of losing something ah... i mean not really LOSING.. pero gets? siguro yung not being able to experience the things you're used to, or have grown to love....or something.. so okay.... FOCUS LIZ! you have long tests, reports coming.......... okay...
GOOD MORNING.... its 1:25am na eh...





THERE'S NO ONE AROUND
i was doing some project organizing and picture editing, and site hopping when i got to read my cousin's blog.
not only was it super dramatic (can even be compared to how dramatic i was, once, not so long ago), it had some things I didn't know and never had a clue of/about. I talk to him about everything, and i really can't expect him to tell me everything too, but i guess, its just one of those things i kinda look for and long for: the feeling of being needed. its different when someone WANTS to talk to you, and when someone NEEDS to talk to you. its not about esteem or ego, or pride. its about knowing your importance and worth. it tells you that you have a lot of things to live for. coz when you find yourself not being searched for, unwanted, rejected, simply forgotten, you start to wonder. is it then unfair if i say that i have wondered about a lot of things, and i've pondered on issues and concerns that doesn't even directly affect me.but hey, i love to think. i love analyzing situations that people wouldn't find time analyzing or pondering on. i felt how it is to have a birthday and not be remembered. I felt how it is to fully put my walls down and then, be just left alone and lost. i haven't ranted for a long time. i haven't written anything dramatic (bitter, yes, but not dramatic and super emo) since end of summer. this is a level 5 (being the highest). things ive written these past months about this someone i couldn't have is just a level 3 or 3.5. shet. im pathetic enough to give ratings/levels to my writings.

my cousin, in his blog, put the piano version of ANGELS OR DEVILS by Dishwalla (a band i just love, and the song, ive been in love with for years). he also wrote about emptiness. and again, i did some thinking.
we all feel a different kind of emptiness. the word can be related to, defined as, understood to be, taken for so many things. for me, emptiness is loneliness+frustration+cynicism/skepticism(whatever's more appropriate to me). loneliness is caused by my lack of faith, trust and hope that only started in one little frustration.
i remembered this one time when i was with my 2 blockmates in mocha blends, katip. we stayed there for 3 hours just talking about stuff.30 mins. before we left (i think), we started talking about relationships.
i'm totally scared of heights (not that you cared/needed to know). but i overcame that fear.and there's one more fear i haven't told anybody.well, i guess i did share it in class but it was in a game so no one would really remember it.okay, going back to relationships and my fear. hmmm. it doesn't make any sense, really.im not scared of relationships. its something else.its somehow shown in the picture above. yeah. THERE'S NO ONE AROUND. there are days when i feel like it is better when there's no one around. better for me and for them/anyone.but there are days (and these days are rare, and when it comes, i totally shut down. i become unproductive, i break down. people wouldn't want to talk to me if they see me) when i am too bitter and angry at everything and everyone. everyone's to blame for everything. there's no one around, its sad, and i hate it. when these days come, i ask myself: what's wrong with me? well, not the usual "whats wrong with me" kind of questioning, of course. its the kind of questioning when i reflect on the things i have done and have not done. sometimes i think, i have the tendency of pushing people away without doing anything crazy, weird, mean. i just suddenly fall out of the picture and everything turns out just fine. am i that good at running away and/or pushing people away that these people doesn't even ask "what happened?and why?". or am i that worthless that i easily become a tiny detail of a small memory they have of that moment we shared together?
either way, its sad.

i like someone. person A.hopeless. yeah.that chapter is over for me.
now, im falling.person B.im not sure if i am falling, or if i've already fallen.
i try to make sense out of all of it, but my mind and emotions clash.
so now, its like im hanging on a cliff, waiting for someone to reach out a hand to me and bring me up, or waiting for someone to shout at me telling me to let go and just fall.
1)going up means doing the sensible thing:you climb a cliff, and what's the BEST thing to do but go on top of it>>keeping your FOCUS, and sticking to the PLAN
2)letting go and freefalling means doing an unexpected thing:you've already gone far up the cliff only to go down again not even sure if someone's really there to catch and assist you>>FREEing yourself from all restrictions as if fighting the universal laws of life, but with a price of RISKing and losing your life


Estoy cansada de esta vida

====================



december 2005-'06

i'm enjoying the holiday!
earlier this december, i didn't have any money. i was planning to buy a pair of running shoes, but hey, its CHRISTMAS, gifts for my family first.
basta!sobrang mismong gabi ng pasko wala ako sa mood, tipong ayoko magmass, blah blah blah.. ewan ko ba... tapos last minute, i was okay na.
tapos hyper na ewan.
after eating, and opening our gifts, wala, tambay, kantahan sa magic mic.haha
then text ng mga tao ng greeting, then tulog na.
nung morning, kain nanaman.haaay! basta!
bonding with my sisters, cousins, aunts, lola, siblings ng lola namin.
december 25 ng gabi, me, my sisters and cousins went to eastwood.
ikot ikot. dapat hanap ng place na may tumutugtog or something, gets? gimik. then wala.haha.kids' day pala nun, kaya walang nangyayari nung gabi.
ikot sa mall, tiangge, then went to seattle's then fazolli's. tapos sakto, sa may labas ng fazolli's andun si sam(of big brother) with his family...haha...
napicturan siya ng cousin and sis ko.as in sobrang mga tao as in harap harapan na siya pinipicturan. parang, HALA.MGA TAO TALAGA. anyhoo.nasa multiply ko narin (siguro by this time) yung pic niya.ang tagal kasi maupload ng pix eh.haha! sige.
early pako bukas! pupuntang...i forgot where...basta, papa renew ng passport.. as in dark ages pa passport ko.haha!

iADIOS!



overnight at mitch's place.
hung out with KULOGS, minus pam bello and plus rhett(aina's bf).
food trip, literal.
tapika gig to watch and support BELFAST. you'll love them. promise!
did my papers that were due wednesday.
slept for 1 1/2 hours. went to the 5:30am simbang gabi.
did my papers again. slept at 7 or 8am. woke up at 10am to finish my papers.
left eastwood at around 2:15pm. arrived ateneo at about 3:20. or something.haha
passed my filipino reaction paper about the latest play we watched, NASAAN SI KALIWETE.
i hated it. im bad, but they could've done a lot better, i know they could. maybe they were experimenting, but heck, it was a very big risk.
played catch, a bit of fun flag.
met up with mama dette, bought pizza, then went to maxinne's house.
hung out with Block R, and ate a lot.
picture taking, gift giving, laughing, teleserye acting, etc.
Haven't gotten any decent sleep so around 9:30pm, i was getting boring and/or bored.
went home at around 10:30, thanks to Jess.
arrived home by 11pm.
im tired.
im confused.or not.i just don't know if im just being bitter, lonely, dependent, or whatever.
well, i guess it didn't mean anything. i guess nothing meant to these people. I was just a part of their life, someone of no significance. why do i always have to think that i'm falling, and suddenly get jealous of NOTHING, and then i breakdown? oh well. gotta go rest.

"so lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares....."
"am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?"
"i can tell, by the moment i wake/woke up its gonna be a LONELY LONELY LONELY day..."

daaaaaaamn.......



Hmm. Friday, December 16, 2005, we had comm class at 11:30am. Discussed digital divide, blah blah blah. Went to sec walkway early and went around the AMA mall. There were really nice tops and pants, and these cute boxes with broken glass designs for a P100. Then, there were these Pepsi lazy walks? I really don't know what its called. haha. imbento. oh well. Had sci10 class. After that, went to Marion's condo para magpahula, but I ended up sleeping in her room while the others watched Kung Fu Hustle. Kung Fu Hustle was a good movie. If you just wanna laugh and be awed by the fight scenes, you gotta watch it. The manghuhula came in late, even after we left the condo she hasn't arrived yet. Jogged, sprinted, deflagged and was deflagged by mich and timi, ran routes, caught chris'/ryan's pass,caught a "touchdown", jogged 2 consecutive field rounds, squatted, did sit ups and crunches, did leg raises, did 2 kinds of push ups, did up downs, etc etc. Basta, I really like our present routine. Everyone gets to jog, sprint, do O and D drills, run routes, etc. Its training time well spent. haha.Then after that, went to meat shop, in celebration of Mich's bday (which was last tuesday). Haha. Oh well, bonding again with the team. I didn' breakdown nor throw up this time. I learned my lesson na! "counterflow" when will it stop? haha. After that, we went home. I ate dinner pa, then went online and did something stupid. Its stupid for me coz ang weird nung situation. Its like saying HI and shaking the hand of someone who doesn't remember you. Parang naiisip niya siguro, "sino 'to?huh?" pero hinsi sino 'to yung magiging question, more of, "huh?bakit biglang ganito 'to?" waaah. well, sabi ko naman take things as it is eh, diba?

Saturday, December 17, 2005. Started reading DIARY by chuck palahnuik. i borrowed it from A-dy.Actually may isa pang book eh. haha. then started studying for Sci10, im finishing na lang my notes for the long test. Also, had an early midnight snack(weird,pano kaya yung early midnight snack?)with my 2 aunts and lola(mother side). Had coffee and puto bungbong and suman. haha. paskong pasko na nga talaga.its fun to talk about it, and the experiences i share with family because of the christmas feeling and time, but why doesn't i feel the excitement of Christmas day itself? oh well.



i just edited my template. I'm wishing I knew how to make a template so i can just change and edit it when i get bored to seeingee the same thing, over and over.

Anyhoo, my site title is CONFUSION IS COMFORT. Hmm. It explains how i feel and think right now. I think I've become more objective. Hmm. Not really. I've just become less dramatic and emotional now. reading and marketing were a big part to my "recovery". haha. recovery because to be honest, i still haven't recovered from my past attraction and attachment. Yeah, my friends are right, I can still like someone and not feel pressured and super uber HOPEFUL that it comes to the point that HOPE becomes an understatement. I don't want to become like one of those stalkers who WISH to the stars in the sky and go out of their way just to see and follow the person they like. OOOh, exage, but gets? And since I'm getting "well", why, then, did i say that CONFUSION IS COMFORT? Well, for me, it feels good to know that I can feel and get confused and lost. It makes me want to do more, and be better at doing them. It shows me the bigger picture of things. It makes me think deeper and with more sense. Well, I may not be right at times, but because of the process I experience and undergo, I feel like I'm learning something real and important.

Well, to sum it all up, I'm confused not because of 2 choices, but because of a choice of whether to acknowledge something, or ignore it and just let fate play its course. I don't know. Something's telling me to go and give it a try, but I'm not that very convinced that I should risk things just to "give it a try". I just don't know. I have my set of theories, and Im not sure if they are anomalies (sorry, sci 10) that are worth looking into.

ARGHHHHHH



B E F O R E
LIKING: check
ACCEPTANCE: check
BEING OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITIES: check
THE STORY: check
PATIENCE: check
HOPE: check
AWKWARDNESS: check
ALL SMILES, ALWAYS: check
CONFUSION: check
COMPLICATION: check
ANALYSIS: check
RANTING: check
DISAPPOINTMENT: check
FRUSTRATION: check
ALCOHOL: check
BREAKDOWN: check
BEING EMO: check
OKAY PASSES: check
LOOKING FORWARD: check

P R E S E N T
*ESCHEWING: check
*AVOIDANCE: check
*TAKING IT AS IT IS: check
*CLEAN SLATE EVERYDAY: check
ACCEPTANCE: check
BEING OPEN TO THE IMPOSSIBILITIES: check
ENDING OF THE STORY: working on it
PATIENCE: not applicable
HOPE: not applicable
AWKWARDNESS: not in my part
FAKE SMILES: check, not always though of course
CONFUSION: none. or check. somewhere in the middle, still
COMPLICATION: not applicable
ANALYSIS: check. still processing and validating
RANTING: totally gone
DISAPPOINTMENT: will never be gone, will always apply
FRUSTRATION: all gone
ALCOHOL: none
BREAKDOWN: not applicable
BEING EMO: will always be emo.
OKAY, BUT BETTER, PASSES: check
LIKING: hoping for it to become inexistent
LOOKING FORWARD: not anymore!

F U T U R E*BITTERNESS: check, i think
*REGRET: check, i think
*LESSON LEARNED: check, deifinitely.
*NEW PERSON: check, i hope.
EVERYTHING IN PAST&PRESENT: hopefully, have been dealt with



I'm my normal WEIRD self again. No more awkwardness. haha. can i just quote a teacher?>> "sense of belongingness". haha. wala lang. its the block hiritan na ever since. pero wala lang. hmmm. oh yeah, im myself again. SABOG as always. i mean if dati medyo worried,paranoid and unsure of the situation, ngayon, WALA NANG PAKIELAM. haha! Basta, the advice of paola bautista worked, hmm, or better yet, is working. Its still an ongoing process eh, so I can't say that it worked (past tense) since it isn't really over yet. Well, as to how I feel, I told a teammate that "it's never gonna be over". Well, I guess it is true, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna do something about it diba? Im just saying that there will always be part of me thinking and hoping, but I can choose to ignore or acknowledge it. It really depends on me. And now, I'm choosing to ESCHEW it (ehem, finella's word...haha). "it"? whatever that is. Oh, I love to talking to myself noh?! haha! Sometimes I can get too EMO and/or dramatic that i tend to "extend" the real current situation to somehow spice up my story. But i guess, it is my subconscious talking and projecting my "hopes/wishes". HAHA! labo na! pero seryoso, im starting to feel encouraged and open, and at the same time, cautious and eager to avoid(or eschew, haha). ika nga ng iba, "nangangapa sa dilim". bahala na si batman. basta ako, im enjoying school. School: academics, ARNIS as my pe, and flag training. oh well. i'm also happy because i was able to buy something with my own money, in a week's ipon money. haha! i just want to prove to everyone sa house na kaya kong mag-ipon, and yeah, of how much i need to go shopping. And hopefully, marealize na ng mom ko at bigyan akong shopping money. BUT THEN AGAIN, "asa". good luck ng ilang milyong beses saken.haha. sige, im tired, and sleepy coz of the medicine i took. nyteeee world!

i changed the original layout picture,so, this one'sby me...shhhhh.

% LIZET
% ETHEL
% kleech
% CHIA
% SYBS
% DINO
% viel
% jun
% finella
% fluto
% Fluto:ELITE

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