confessions to myself
Some realizations.Past midnight.October 23.Be happy.Or not.
It's in my nature to make a reason for joy and celebration a cause of
my depression.
I have been too attached with my depression that I cannot even
say "adieu" to it.It is like a second identity that has taken
over me.But then I ask myself,how do I know that it isn't the real
ME at all?I don't know,I guess.All I know is that,there was never a
time when I was truly happy and have not worried about things
afterwards.Call me paranoid.Call me freaking weird.Hate me.Whatever.
Been there,done that.I've hated myself for all of this.For so long.
You have no idea.Why can't I just be happy?Why can't I just let
go of all my burdens?It's like I'm addicted to the feeling of being
alone and sad.It's sick.
I need security.I need someone to tell me everyday that everything's
gonna be alright.I need to have faith.I need to trust people more.
But how can I do that when I can't trust myself to be happy?
It's all because up until now,I feel guilty of the things I did in
the past.I continuously punish myself with the idea that "ive been bad,
i don't deserve to be happy".Well,congrats,that's exactly what I'm
still thinking.I need approval,support and acknowledgment.And the
one thing I need the most,is forgiveness.
And oh yeah,
I read somewhere that in loving, you shouldn't let someone love you
the way you'd want them to, for you ought to be loved in the way
they can only love you.
