two
I am a sucker for love. Not everybody knows that about me. Why so? Because I used to believe that it’s so cliché and it makes people superficial. But the real reason behind it all is that, I was afraid of rejection. I used to get the things that I want. I’m such a spoiled brat. But somehow, I learned how to gain a bit of maturity, and now, I can say that I have learned well. When I don’t get the things I want, I just tell myself that I want it, but it’s really not what I need.
But a question rises. How do I know if it’s a want or a need? I don’t know. It just comes to me. Its like a sudden glow of light passing through my head, making my head feel light, making me want to cry. It’s all too “unreal”, because its not the exact feeling I get, but it is somehow the closest to what I experience. And I guess, it is best to be expressed in those terms. It does help me get through, and it helps me realize some things I don’t get to see everyday.
But now, I am quite angry, I am bitter, I am frustrated and disappointed... of myself… Because I got the biggest surprise in my life. Rejection. Its pretty simple. Its easy to understand, and its self-explanatory. Who would actually want rejection? Who would actually want to get rejected by the very thing you want? I know I don’t!
I always thought that when all connection stopped, then its time to let go. But, something changed. I became hopeful, I was willing to wait. For the first time. I am not sure if its really for me, or what, but I was willing to find out. Even if it cost me my own happiness. But hey, happiness comes after every sacrifice, every storm, every tragedy. I waited and waited. I just don’t know if there’s gonna be enough left, of me, when the time I’ve been waiting for, comes.
Bit by bit, I’m becoming like a ghost, growing invisible of this world. Bit by bit, I’m becoming like a dream, a nightmare, only seen in the realms as you sleep. Bit by bit, I am eaten by my own desire, my faith and hope. Bit by Bit, I’m finally learning, realizing, and accepting, you are never gonna be mine.
