"I wish I could be, every little thing you wanted..."
I'm such a mess. I'm such a disappointment. No wonder nobody's interested in me. Well, yeah sure, they're interested, but then what? I'm again worried about these sh*t. Friends already told me before to just enjoy the ride and not get myself too attached to the things around me, by not expecting anything. But, I'm Ms. Paranoid, I'm Ms. Sensitive, I'm Ms. Analyze-things-everytime, so you understand, I really can't help it. I expect things and I wait for them to happen, and when I find myself not going through it and not feeling anything similar to it, at all, I cry myself to sleep and I burden myself with all these thoughts of me not being worthy of anything I have, no matter how little that "anything" is. But then I realize, I should just live LIFE. I mean, just live it. Let the waters flow its natural course, if I ever get stuck on a log or a big lump of rock on the way to the falls(which I consider the climax of the whole thing), then that's the time when I'll worry and get all fuzzed up. RIGHT! EXACTLY! "Continue to care, continue to feel the love(is it love in the first place?), but don't get too attached. Right now, that's what I'm trying to do. When I don't hear a ring in my phone or something, I shouldn't think about it too hard. I mean, who cares if no one remembered to text me today? I mean, who cares! As long as I know that there'll always be people caring for me, I'm perfectly fine! And maybe, texting is not their way of remembering me, maybe when they're out with their friends(or something), they remember me in their hearts and minds. RIGHT? I just hope I'll be able to keep this up for another day, or week, or month. I'm very unstable when it comes to these things. But wait, just one last thing.... "when you've finally fallen in love(after all the tears and heartache, you've finally found it, him, whatever), can you just suddenly lose the feeling?can you just suddenly stop caring?" >> well, to some people it will be all to impossible, but in my case, I think it'll happen. I don't know for what reason, but I think it'll happen to me because my mind's already setting everything to the idea that things will not last, that this won't last.... Its pretty ironic really, because I've prayed for this to last. I want THIS to be the first and the last. I don't want anybody else.I'M TIRED!I'm gonna go study..
