INFERNO?I am in hell!I am part of hell!
I thought indifference was the way to go.I thought with this, I could contently go on with my life.But as I was reading on INFERNO, and travelled along withDante down to the circles of hell, I realized one thing.I am part of that hell. I committed sins that are punished there.Just outside hell, before hell, the indifferent and the uncommittedare punished by forever chasing after blank banners. They are chasingthese blank banners for no reason, and for no purpose. They are chasinga banner that doesn't even contain anything. You may think, whychase something that is basically useless? It is because in the lifeof these sinners, they chased nothing. They didn't put their heart intosomething. They were DETACHED* from tehir own desires. Their desireto not be connected to the world and to other people, or to arelationship,this led them into doing the very same thing in hell. Theydidn't believe in anything. They didn't put their faith in God, or anynature gods. I came to this realization when I saw the film SEVENTHSEAL. This is a 1957 swedish film by Ingram Bergman. The leadcharacter, i think, was Antonius Block who played chess with deathand didn't care about anything. Even when a child is being burnt to deathbecause of witchcraft, he didn't try to go against the other knights, for he himself is a knight who just came from the holy land, intostopping the cruel punishment. Antonius Block didn't believe in God,and he even questioned him of why people continue in believing in himwhen He doesn't even show Himself to the believers, the people. AntoniusBlock was not in any way connected to the world he's living in, all he's living for is himself.In the end, they all died, except for these2 actors, Mary and Joseph(Yof) and their son, Michael(Mikel). Antonius,during the remaining minutes of their lives,tried to pray to GOd andasked HIm to save them and have mercy on them. Its funny really becausethis is very prevalent in our time, people calling to God only when theyare in need of His help. Going back to the film, they died. It wasshown through their holding of hands and dancing with death. It wasactually humorous, I mean how the actors played their roles, and for some,the acting itself was funny, but it was just my way of appreciating it.But generally, the film was good. It did contain a lot of parallelismswith Inferno. Death was just great. And I saw myself in Antonius Block.Also, there's a circle in Hell in the book(Inferno) where lust is punishedthrough stinging bees/insects and forever getting carried away by largewinds and storms. I wrote a required paper about this specific canto,because the sin of LUST amazes me greatly. Lust is not only the pleafor sensual/sexual connection, whatever you call it, it is basically thedesire of something overrunning morality and reason. In Antonius Block,I saw the desire of redeeming himself, of finding out about what he'strying to believe about the existence of God, and the desire to continueon living for himself alone. I really don't want to explain myself, butby saying that I saw myself in Antonius, I would have to sort of clear thingsout. We all have desires, desire to be loved, desire to be accepted, desireto be happy. Yes, my mistake was I desperately long for a happiness, for areason for happiness. This desire led me into wanting other unimportant thingsThings that when I finally attain it, would not mean anyhing when I die.But I go after it any way, because i want to be happy. But I am happy. But Ifind myself not enjoying the feeling.My desire now is to always finding my limit,challenging it and going beyond it.How did I become so daring?It is becauseI don't feel a thing. I don't believe that I'm gonna lose or gain anythingby it, so if I lost, It will really not matter to me. I'm awful, I know. Butyou know what? I'm starting to feel exactly the opposite of what I'vejust written. Its because of someone. Someone you don't know. If I couldonly tell him how he changes me, I would, really, but I'm trying tochange myself first totally, and that's when I'm gonna face him andpull out every little thing I want to say to him.I'm in love.I freaking am!
