where to?

26 February 2005 0 comments

i just erased my "happy" blog entries. i have a lot, but i erased those of with the mention of "him".call me bitter, call me "one lonely kid", fine by me, coz i know to myself that i'm not.well, not totally. i just laughed when i read the stuff i wrote last november. I wrotestuff like, "whatever IT IS we have, is worth everything". i guess now i've realizedthat it wasn't worth anything. i really wanted it to last, because i never really likedsomeone that lasted for so long. yes, really. but then, there's always a first timein everything. i had a lot of first last year. i got kinda experimental. hmmm. last year was my first college year. my first ORSEM (and last). my first "whateverit is" kinda relationship (i actually never considered it as a relationship, but hey, hedid, and that was something).so hmmm... here are reposts from october 03. grabe, nung time pa lang na iyan, i knew it, but i did nothing.i just let it all out, because iwas still hoping that he'd be/feel/do otherwise. i have FOUR bitter entries, these are just ONEand TWO. ONE is by an unknown author.TWO is by me.enjoy the bitterness!

TWO10/03/04>>I am a sucker for love. Not everybody knows that about me.
Why so?Because I used to believe that it’s so cliché and it makes people superficial.
But the real reason behind it all is that, I was afraid of rejection.
I used toget the things that I want. I’m such a spoiled brat. But somehow,
I learnedhow to gain a bit of maturity, and now,
I can say that I have learned well.When I don’t get the things I want,
I just tell myself that I want it, butit’s really not what I need.

But a question rises. How do I know if it’s a want or a need? I don’t know.
It just comes to me. Its like a sudden glow of light passing through my head,
making my head feel light, making me want to cry. It’s all too “unreal”,
because its not the exact feeling I get, but it is somehow the closest towhat I experience.
And I guess, it is best to be expressed in those terms.It does help me get through,
and it helps me realize some things I don’t get tosee everyday.

But now, I am quite angry, I am bitter, I am frustrated and disappointed...
of myself… Because I got the biggest surprise in my life. Rejection. Its prettysimple.
Its easy to understand, and its self-explanatory. Who would actuallywant rejection?
Who would actually want to get rejected by the very thing youwant? I know I don’t!
I always thought that when all connection stopped, then its time to let go. But,
something changed. I became hopeful, I was willing to wait. For the first time.
Iam not sure if its really for me, or what, but I was willing to find out.
Even if itcost me my own happiness. But hey, happiness comes after every sacrifice, everystorm, every tragedy. I waited and waited.
I just don’t know if there’s gonna be enough left, of me,
when the time I’ve been waiting for, comes.

Bit by bit, I’m becoming like a ghost, growing invisible of this world.
Bit by bit, I’m becoming like a dream, a nightmare,
only seen in the realms as you sleep. Bit by bit, I am eaten by my own desire,
my faith and hope. Bit by Bit, I’m finally learning, realizing, and accepting,
you are never gonna be mine.

ONE10/03/04I used to think it was my lossThat you would rather call her than call me.That you would rather catch a glimpse of her thanspend an hour with me.That it was her face you sought to find in the crowdAnd never mine.
I used to think it was my lossThat id wake up in the morning and smile thinking ofyouAnd that you'd wake up in the morning and smile cuzyou dreamt of her.That no matter how much I deny, its her heart you wantto winWhile all this time you've already got mine.
But now I know its YOUR loss For every conversationEvery smileEvery moment I have shared with you in my mind; in mydreamsYou will never truly feel.
I know now, its YOUR lossFor when you walked past me todayFor when you walked out of my life forever;
You just didn't walk out on ME.
You walked out on that one person who thinks you'reworth the wait; the love; and even the pain. And forthat; you missed out on what could have been the bestand most magical moment of your life.