THERE'S NO ONE AROUND i was doing some project organizing and picture editing, and site hopping when i got to read my cousin's blog. not only was it super dramatic (can even be compared to how dramatic i was, once, not so long ago), it had some things I didn't know and never had a clue of/about. I talk to him about everything, and i really can't expect him to tell me everything too, but i guess, its just one of those things i kinda look for and long for: the feeling of being needed. its different when someone WANTS to talk to you, and when someone NEEDS to talk to you. its not about esteem or ego, or pride. its about knowing your importance and worth. it tells you that you have a lot of things to live for. coz when you find yourself not being searched for, unwanted, rejected, simply forgotten, you start to wonder. is it then unfair if i say that i have wondered about a lot of things, and i've pondered on issues and concerns that doesn't even directly affect me.but hey, i love to think. i love analyzing situations that people wouldn't find time analyzing or pondering on. i felt how it is to have a birthday and not be remembered. I felt how it is to fully put my walls down and then, be just left alone and lost. i haven't ranted for a long time. i haven't written anything dramatic (bitter, yes, but not dramatic and super emo) since end of summer. this is a level 5 (being the highest). things ive written these past months about this someone i couldn't have is just a level 3 or 3.5. shet. im pathetic enough to give ratings/levels to my writings.
my cousin, in his blog, put the piano version of ANGELS OR DEVILS by Dishwalla (a band i just love, and the song, ive been in love with for years). he also wrote about emptiness. and again, i did some thinking. we all feel a different kind of emptiness. the word can be related to, defined as, understood to be, taken for so many things. for me, emptiness is loneliness+frustration+cynicism/skepticism(whatever's more appropriate to me). loneliness is caused by my lack of faith, trust and hope that only started in one little frustration. i remembered this one time when i was with my 2 blockmates in mocha blends, katip. we stayed there for 3 hours just talking about stuff.30 mins. before we left (i think), we started talking about relationships. i'm totally scared of heights (not that you cared/needed to know). but i overcame that fear.and there's one more fear i haven't told anybody.well, i guess i did share it in class but it was in a game so no one would really remember it.okay, going back to relationships and my fear. hmmm. it doesn't make any sense, really.im not scared of relationships. its something else.its somehow shown in the picture above. yeah. THERE'S NO ONE AROUND. there are days when i feel like it is better when there's no one around. better for me and for them/anyone.but there are days (and these days are rare, and when it comes, i totally shut down. i become unproductive, i break down. people wouldn't want to talk to me if they see me) when i am too bitter and angry at everything and everyone. everyone's to blame for everything. there's no one around, its sad, and i hate it. when these days come, i ask myself: what's wrong with me? well, not the usual "whats wrong with me" kind of questioning, of course. its the kind of questioning when i reflect on the things i have done and have not done. sometimes i think, i have the tendency of pushing people away without doing anything crazy, weird, mean. i just suddenly fall out of the picture and everything turns out just fine. am i that good at running away and/or pushing people away that these people doesn't even ask "what happened?and why?". or am i that worthless that i easily become a tiny detail of a small memory they have of that moment we shared together? either way, its sad.
i like someone. person A.hopeless. yeah.that chapter is over for me. now, im falling.person B.im not sure if i am falling, or if i've already fallen. i try to make sense out of all of it, but my mind and emotions clash. so now, its like im hanging on a cliff, waiting for someone to reach out a hand to me and bring me up, or waiting for someone to shout at me telling me to let go and just fall. 1)going up means doing the sensible thing:you climb a cliff, and what's the BEST thing to do but go on top of it>>keeping your FOCUS, and sticking to the PLAN 2)letting go and freefalling means doing an unexpected thing:you've already gone far up the cliff only to go down again not even sure if someone's really there to catch and assist you>>FREEing yourself from all restrictions as if fighting the universal laws of life, but with a price of RISKing and losing your life
Estoy cansada de esta vida ====================
Liz
i changed the original layout picture,so, this one'sby me...shhhhh.
